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Episode #12 | Authority and Docility
In the last three episodes, I discussed the big ideas of attachment– what it is, why it’s important, and how we can nurture a secure attachment with our children. In this episode I’ll be discussing the second foundational element: authority. Because, as Elsie Kitching wisely observed “mother love is not enough to secure for children that continual progress which is necessary if character is to be achieved.’ (Kitching, Children Up to School Age)
In this episode I dive deep into principles 3 and 4:
“The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but–
These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.
Quotes
“Here is the divine order which every family is called upon to fulfill: a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump, and, therefore, it matters infinitely that every family should realise the nature and obligations of the family bond, for as water cannot rise above its source, neither can we live at a higher level than that of the conception we form of our place and use in life.” (Charlotte Mason, Parents and Children)
“That principle in us which brings us into subjection to authority is docility, teachableness, and that also is universal. If a man in the pride of his heart declines other authority, he will submit himself slavishly to his ‘star’ or his ‘destiny.’ It would seem that the exercise of docility is as natural and necessary as that of reason or imagination; and the two principles of authority and docility act in every life precisely as do those two elemental principles which enable the earth to maintain its orbit, the one drawing it towards the sun, the other as constantly driving it into space; between the two, the earth maintains a more or less middle course and the days go on.” (Charlotte Mason, Home Education)
“Thought the emancipation of the children is gradual, they acquiring day by day more of the art and science of self-government, yet there comes a day when the parents’ right to rule is over; there is nothing left for them but to abdicate gracefully, and leave their grown-up sons and daughters free agents.” (C Mason, Parents and Children p. 17)
“But we have been taught better; we know now that authority is vested in the office and not in the person; that the moment it is treated as a personal attribute it is forfeited. We know that a person in authority is a person authorised; and that he who is authorised is under authority.” (Charlotte Mason, A Philosophy of Education)
“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of parenthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— “
“the powers of heaven cannot be bcontrolled nor handled only upon the cprinciples of righteousness. That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to acover our bsins, or to gratify our cpride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or ddominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens ewithdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to… the authority of that man.” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-43)
Read the Episode
In the last three episodes, I discussed the big ideas of attachment– what it is, why it’s important, and how we can nurture a secure attachment with our children. In this episode, I’ll be discussing the second foundational element: authority. Because, as Elsie Kitching wisely observed “mother love is not enough to secure for children that continual progress which is necessary if character is to be achieved.’ (Kitching, Children Up to School Age)
So far we’ve discussed the first two principles of Charlotte Mason’s 20 principles of education: children are born persons, and they are not born either good or evil, but with possibilities for both.
For the next few episodes, we’ll dive deep into the principles 3 and 4:
“The principles of authority on the one hand, and of obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but–
These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.
Authority is Natural, Necessary and Fundamental
Whether we realize it or not, we are all under authority in some form. We are citizens under the authority of law and regulations in our country, and we are under the authority of God and eternal laws. And although there is a minority of the population that would like society without any authority, the majority of people understand the necessity of order and predictability that comes from authority. As the basic unit of society, authority in the family is essential. A family cannot function in anarchy, and parents are the authority.
When you think about it, the authority a parent has is more of an absolute monarchy than any other type of government. For an independent, democratic American this phrase really makes me cringe. Probably because there are so many examples from history of self-serving, dominating monarchs that abuse their power. But family’s can’t really function as a republic or democratic society. If all the important decisions were left up to a majority vote, screen time would be increased to 8 hours a day and we’d be eating chicken nuggets and ice cream for every meal.
As parents, we are given authority by God to “rule” over our children. But there are two ways of using “rule” as a verb: To control the will and actions of others, either by arbitrary power and authority, or by established laws” (Websters 1828 Dictionary). In the past, many people have ruled over others with arbitrary power. But a righteous authority rules with established laws. We’ll go over this in a little bit.
Whether we want it or not, whether we feel capable or not, authority has been given parents. In regards to the office of parenthood, Charlotte Mason said “ helpers he may have, but the moment he makes over his functions and authority to another, the rights of parenthood belong to that other, and not to him.” We see this happening more as childcare is deputed to daycares and schools, and consequently there is a rise in peer orientation and resistance to parental authority. Dr. Leonard Sax speaks of this extensively in his book “The Collapse of Parenting.” And, as much as we’d like to, we cannot have our cake and eat it too.
Authority and docility happen naturally when a person has experience and knowledge in a certain area, and others put their trust in that person. They naturally become docile, which means teachable, and obedient to the person in authority. This is most obvious in the relationship between parents and children, and this is where children first form an understanding and role of authority. As a matter of fact, studies on parental authority are beginning to reveal that the type of parenting a child experiences at home influences the way they view government authority, and consequently how they vote later in life, either conservative or liberal.
Miss Mason saw this in her day, and said this of the family influence on society: “Here is the divine order which every family is called upon to fulfill: a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump, and, therefore, it matters infinitely that every family should realise the nature and obligations of the family bond, for as water cannot rise above its source, neither can we live at a higher level than that of the conception we form of our place and use in life.”
As a society, our culture and morals can never rise above what is learned in the family, and a healthy view of authority must be learned in the home.
Docility
Mason said “That principle in us which brings us into subjection to authority is docility, teachableness, and that also is universal. If a man in the pride of his heart declines other authority, he will submit himself slavishly to his ‘star’ or his ‘destiny.’ It would seem that the exercise of docility is as natural and necessary as that of reason or imagination; and the two principles of authority and docility act in every life precisely as do those two elemental principles which enable the earth to maintain its orbit, the one drawing it towards the sun, the other as constantly driving it into space; between the two, the earth maintains a more or less middle course and the days go on.”
(Charlotte Mason)
Purpose of Authority
Honestly, I didn’t really understand authority or docility until I began studying Miss Mason’s volumes. It’s just not something talked about in everyday life, and they weren’t even mentioned once in all of my university classes on parenting and child development. In parenting books they might be mentioned in practical terms, such as “expectations” or “setting boundaries.” But for the most part these principles are rarely discussed , which is why I feel it is extremely important for me to discuss them with you now. To understand why a healthy authority is fundamental in the home we need to understand authority’s purpose. Although there may be many, the main purpose is for the service of those under authority.
Let’s look at a few of the ways we serve our children by exercising authority:
Safety
An authority figure provides safety and security. A major reason children attach to their parents is that they feel safe and secure with that person. They seek out adults that are consistent, reliable, and knowledgeable. The leaders and authority figures we trust most, in all areas of life, are the ones that make us feel safe.
[share metaphor of airline pilot]
Futility
In order for someone to be under authority they need to be teachable and humble. In the last few episodes I discussed how to nurture this in our children, which I call having a “tender heart.” According to Dr. Gordon Neufeld, to maintain a tender heart, all people must encounter futility, which is simply acknowledging that we cannot change something. In the book Bringing Up Bebe, the author noticed that French parents actually welcome opportunities for their children to experience frustration, otherwise known as futility, because this is a prime opportunity to learn how to be happy. They believe that happiness doesn’t come from outward circumstances, but learning self-discipline and how to choose joy and not dwell on the things you can’t change. So encountering futility is simply the practice in mastering the skills of contentment and self-regulation.
Futility comes as a direct consequence of enforcing limits, which is the responsibility of those in authority. This means that parents need to have high expectations for children; we need to set limits and maintain structure in our homes so children can encounter futility and develop self-regulation. However, this can backfire on us if we are cold, distant, and harsh when enforcing limits. In addition to setting the limits we must show an outpouring of love when our children realize their desires are futile. To feel deep disappointment is very vulnerable, even more so when they visibly show their feelings through tears, so children need an empathetic parent that validates feelings and shows unconditional love while maintaining limits.
Duties
We all have duties to ourselves and others, and it is from an authority figure–whether that is God, a parent, coach, teacher, church leader, or manager–that we learn what those duties are. Charlotte Mason said parents have two chief duties to their children: “To form in his child right habits of thinking and behaving is a parent’s chief duty” and “To nourish a child daily with loving, right, and noble ideas we believe to be the parent’s next duty” (Vol. 2, p. 228). We form right habits through example and by intentionally reinforcing or extinguishing certain behaviors. And we teach them what they ought to do through noble ideas (in other words, stories).
Self-Government
It’s been said that a parents true purpose is to work themselves out of a job, And I’d say that’s the purpose of all righteous authority; to rule and discipline in such a way that those under authority gradually develop self-government. “Thought the emancipation of the children is gradual, they acquiring day by day more of the art and science of self-government, yet there comes a day when the parents’ right to rule is over; there is nothing left for them but to abdicate gracefully, and leave their grown-up sons and daughters free agents.” (C Mason, Parents and Children p. 17)
How is Authority Maintained?
Once I began to understand the fundamental importance of authority in my family I felt a lot of anxiety. This probably stems from the fact that my children aren’t perfect models of a “chivalrous temper of proud submission and dignified obedience” HAHA! That’s how Mason described the fruits of righteous authority. And maybe you’re feeling this way, too. I said this in a previous episode, and its worth saying again: parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do on earth. It is the refiner’s fire of your own character. And the quality of our children’s behavior is not an indicator of the quality of our parenting. We must have knowledge in what our role is as a parent so we have the confidence and faith to endure to the end.
And now back to authority. How do we maintain righteous authority in our home? An what does that look like?
When people believe their authority comes just from the title they usually abuse it: domination, control, manipulation, and arbitrary punishments are usually the outcome of this mentality. “You must do what I say because I’m the parent (king, president, etc)”
“But we have been taught better;” Miss Mason said “we know now that authority is vested in the office and not in the person; that the moment it is treated as a personal attribute it is forfeited. We know that a person in authority is a person authorised; and that he who is authorised is under authority.”
The Lord gives us more details about how authority is maintained in Doctrine and Covenants. I’m substituting priesthood for parenthood:
“No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of parenthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—
And authority can be revoked with the opposite attributes: “the powers of heaven cannot be bcontrolled nor handled only upon the cprinciples of righteousness. That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to acover our bsins, or to gratify our cpride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or ddominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens ewithdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to… the authority of that man.”
Let’s break that down: Our authority as parents are maintained by persuasion, by patience, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned.
But our authority is revoked, not only by God, but by our children when we lose their trust and respect when we abuse our authority. And how do we do this? by using our authority to cover our sins, gratify our pride, or exercise control and domination with arbitrary rules and punishments. It’s humbling to think of all the times I’ve used my authority as a parent to downplay my own mistakes, blame them on my child, or attempted to heal my wounded pride by using authority to dominate them. And everytime I abuse my authority in these ways I lose the respect and trust of my children. So although children are human and may choose to rebel or oppose righteous authority because of their weak will, its important to humbly look at your own behavior and recognize how you use your own authority and how that may be affecting your chid’s attitude.
“He must be treated with full confidence, and must feel that right-doing is his own free choice, which his parents trust him to make; but he must also be very well aware of the deterrent force in the background, watchful to hinder him when he would do wrong.”[11]
Limitations
There are many ways parents and teachers exercise control, dominion or compulsion in children. Charlotte Mason gave a very thorough list “…these principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon, whether by the direct use of fear or love, suggestion or influence, or by undue play upon any one natural desire.”
The purpose of authority is to build up a child’s will, not to break it. Remember, an individual’s personality is sacred and the one precious possession of each person. Education’s purpose should assist a child to build up and refine their own personality. We should not attempt to take possession of our child’s personality and change it through manipulation.These tactics change behavior, but they don’t change character and the purpose of purpose of education was to build character, not simply change behavior.
So how do we raise up our children to become men and women of character without coercion, rewards, punishment and manipulation? Charlotte Mason said we have three instruments to educate our child’s character: atmosphere, discipline and life.
When I first read her 20 principles my heart said yes, but my mind said no. I was still fresh out of college and brainwashed with the idea that children are born blank slate and behaviorism was the best way to discipline. It took quite a few years of parenting my own children and studying in my own time to understand her profound wisdom and timeless philosophy. Before I dig into the three instruments of education, we’re going to spend a little more time on authority. There is so much to unpack in this one principle, I just can’t fit it into one episode! Next time we’ll discuss rewards and punishments; what Charlotte Mason said, what research reveals, and how to motivate children without them (yes, it’s totally possible!)
Summary
In summary: Authority and docility are a natural, necessary, and fundamental part of society. And these two principles are learned in the home. Parents have authority over children, and we are both under authority of God.
Authority is maintained on principles of gentleness, unconditional love, patience, and knowledge. And when we exercise unrighteous authority to cover our own mistakes, gratify our pride, or just feed our hunger for power, that authority is gone.
Children must learn docility and how to deal with futility. Authority exists to teach children what they ought to do, and to enforce boundaries to keep the child and others safe.
Authority does not mean encroaching on a child’s personality through manipulation or coercion. So, parents have three instruments available to educate children: atmosphere, discipline, and life.