The Ideal Parenting Style – Simple Wonders

Episode #15 | The Ideal Parenting Style

I’ve spent the last couple months talking about the two foundational elements of parenting: love and authority. These elements may also be known as warmth and expectations, or responsiveness and demandingness. I’ve also talked about how rewards and punishments don’t actually work at meeting our long term goals: to raise kind, honest, hard working people.

Children need love and discipline to reach their full potential. But what happens when parents exert too much control and not enough love? Or the opposite: too much love and not enough authority? How can we balance our authority with our children’s agency? Today we’ll discuss the perfect balance: authoritative parenting.

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Quotes

“They not only expect absolute obedience, and use punishment freely to obtain it, but also believe it’s more important for children to comply with authority than to think for themselves or express their opinions. They insist that kids need to be carefully monitored, and when a rule is broken—which just confirms their dark suspicions about what children are really like—authoritarian parents tend to assume the child deliberately chose to break it, irrespective of his or her age.” (Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting)

“Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating.” ( William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives)

“We ought to do so much for our children, and are able to do so much for them, that we begin to think everything rests with us and that we should never intermit for a moment our conscious action on the young mind and hearts about us. Our endeavors become fussy and restless. We are too much with our children, ‘late and soon.’ We try to dominate them too much, even when we fail to govern, and we are unable to perceive that wise and purposeful letting alone is the best part of education.” (Charlotte Mason, School Education, p. 27-28)

Alice Miller once observed that it’s possible to love a child “passionately—but not in the way he needs to be loved.”

“If she’s right, the relevant question isn’t just whether—or even how much—we love our kids. It also matters how we love them.” (Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting)

“I have no hesitancy, brothers and sisters, in stating that unless checked, permissiveness, by the end of its journey, will cause humanity to stare in mute disbelief at its awful consequences.” (Becometh as a Child, Neal A Maxwell, April 1996)

“So, as it relates to how to raise kids, a lot of parents are a little confused about how to proceed these days. They’re mired in that muddy territory that lies between permissiveness and authoritarianism. They want their kid to be independent, but not if he’s going to make bad choices. They want to avoid being harsh and rigid, but not if the result is a noncompliant, disrespectful kid. They want to avoid being too pushy and overbearing, but not if an unmotivated, apathetic kid is what they have to show for it. They want to have a good relationship with their kid, but not if that means being a pushover. They don’t want to scream, but they do want to be heard.It’s all about balance, but the balance sometimes seems so precarious, so difficult to achieve.” (Ross Greene, Raising Human Beings)

“When we recognise that God does not make over the bringing up of children absolutely even to their parents, but that He works Himself, in ways which it must be our care not to hinder, in the training of every child, then we shall learn passiveness, humble and wise. We shall give children space to develop on the lines of their own characters in all right ways, and shall know how to intervene effectively to prevent those errors which, also, are proper to their individual characters.” (Charlotte Mason, School Education, p. 35)

Read the Episode

As discussed in episode 7, children are born persons. I’ll just quickly remind you of a few truths before we dig into authoritative parenting. First, as people, children are born with agency. For whatever reason we tend to forget this vital truth and our parenting tactics mirror those of Satan’s than of Christ’s. We also tend to view all children as the same and assume there must be one parenting technique that will work for every child. Because children are so different, parenting is more of an art than a science and it should be based on principles not formulas. Parenting requires skills as well as a variety of tools in our parenting toolbelt. It requires we know our children well so we can utilize the right tools, in the right situation for that child.

In that episode I also discussed Charlotte’s second principle that children are not born either good or evil, but with possibilities for both.

Parents who view their children as born evil, or carnal, tend to be more Authoritarian. They feel that children are inherently lazy, selfish, with little or no desire to do well. And the purpose of authority is to push children into doing well by either rewarding or punishing behaviors that they (the parents) deem important. They believe if they don’t do this then children won’t progress and learn. These parents are characterized as having high expectations and low warmth.

On the other end of the spectrum are permissive parents. As a whole these parents believe children are born inherently good. Children want to do well and succeed. They may have faults or behavioral issues, but being inherently good they will eventually mature and grow out of them. All children need is love. These parents are characterized as low expectations and high warmth

Parenting is a relationship and a calling, not a career.

Christ made it clear: our role as parents is to teach and love our children, not to judge and punish them.

Too Much Control

So, let’s dive deeper into authoritarian parenting. Over the years studies have shown that children of over-controlling parents (otherwise known as authoritarian) are much more likely to become anxious, stressed, and lose their sense of self by becoming blindly obedient. Or, they will go the opposite direction and become outright rebellious and aggressive. In the past this type of parenting was harsh and physical; usually in the form of threatening, spanking, hitting, and punishing. Nowadays, controlling parenting is slightly more socially acceptable and subtle. The parents’ goals are usually achieved through nagging (aka “helicopter parenting), emotionally manipulating (i.e. love withdrawal), and rewarding, but the effects of these tactics can be just as psychologically damaging as corporal punishment.

What is their goal? Obedience and conformity. They want a child’s behavior to conform to their expectations.

When speaking of authoritarian parents, Alfie Kohn said: “They not only expect absolute obedience, and use punishment freely to obtain it, but also believe it’s more important for children to comply with authority than to think for themselves or express their opinions. They insist that kids need to be carefully monitored, and when a rule is broken—which just confirms their dark suspicions about what children are really like—authoritarian parents tend to assume the child deliberately chose to break it, irrespective of his or her age.” (Alfie Kohn)

When the negative effects of corporal punishment became known parents were desperate for another way to control their children’s behavior. Something that would cause enough discomfort and pain to change behavior. And the behaviorists came to the rescue with “time outs.” If we can’t use physical pain then we’ll use relational and social pain to force kids to obey. But it turns out that time outs are just a nicer word for love withdrawal.

“Many years ago, a psychologist named Martin Hoffman challenged the distinction between power-based and love-based discipline by pointing out that love withdrawal, a common example of the latter, actually has a lot in common with more severe forms of punishment. Both communicate to children that if they do something we don’t like, we’ll make them suffer in order to change their behavior.” (Alfie Kohn)

“In 1967, Martin Hoffman (the scientist I mentioned earlier) conducted a study of seventh-graders and found that the use of love withdrawal was associated with a lower-level form of morality. In deciding how to act with other people, these children didn’t take specific circumstances into account, nor did they consider the needs of a given individual. Instead, having learned to do exactly what they’re told in order to avoid losing their parents’ love, they tended just to apply rules in a rigid, one-size-fits-all fashion.” (source)

Why are power-based methods of discipline so ineffective? It all comes down to the eternal principle of agency. Behaviorists try to apply principles of animal behavior to humans, but this doesn’t work because humans are active agents with a conscious and a will. It is an eternal principle that Heavenly Father understood when He turned down Satan’s plan. Power-based discipline fails to create people of strong will and good character.

William Stuxrud, author of The Self-Driven Child, warns that “Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned. When they are denied the ability to make meaningful choices, they are at high risk of becoming anxious, struggling to manage anger, becoming self-destructive, or self-medicating.” ( William Stixrud, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives)

“As author Nancy Samalin comments, even “when we ‘win,’ we lose. When we make children obey by force, threats, or punishment, we make them feel helpless. They can’t stand feeling helpless, so they provoke another confrontation to prove they still have some power.”¹⁵

Charlotte Mason said this over 100 years ago, and her words ring just as true for mothers today as they did then: “We ought to do so much for our children, and are able to do so much for them, that we begin to think everything rests with us and that we should never intermit for a moment our conscious action on the young mind and hearts about us. Our endeavors become fussy and restless. We are too much with our children, ‘late and soon.’ We try to dominate them too much, even when we fail to govern, and we are unable to perceive that wise and purposeful letting alone is the best part of education.” (3/27-28)

Authority and setting boundaries is foundational to the family and society, but too much control strips people of the most basic right: their agency and ability to develop character. When it comes to parental control, you can certainly have too much of a good thing.

Loved to Death

Ok, you may be thinking “but this can’t be true for love: you can never have enough love, right?” Yes, you really can’t give too much unconditional love. But, children cannot survive on love alone. They need boundaries. Parents who are warm and responsive but don’t have set limits on their children’s behavior are called permissive, or indulgent, parents.

What is their goal? A good relationship and happy children. They avoid friction and confrontation because they don’t want to rock the boat, or cause any discomfort to their child. Maybe the reason is love, or fear, or just apathy. Whatever the reason, permissive parents have low expectations for their children’s behavior and don’t enforce boundaries.

Instead of expecting mature behavior and giving children responsibilities, these parents allow their children to regulate their own behavior.

The psychoanalyst Alice Miller once observed that it’s possible to love a child “passionately—but not in the way he needs to be loved.” Alfie Kohn noted that “If she’s right, the relevant question isn’t just whether—or even how much—we love our kids. It also matters how we love them.”. Indulgent parents definitely love their children, but need to love them enough to set limits so they can become their best selves.

So what’s the effects of permissive parenting? In one study (source) on parenting styles, scientists evaluated children for deficits in self-regulation (abilities that permits kids to control their impulses, stay focused, manage their moods and execute plans). Which variables were most highly correlated with a lack of self-regulation? By far, the most powerful predictor was permissive parenting.

Permissive parents agreed with statements like:

“I ignore my child’s bad behavior” and “I give in to my child when he/she causes a commotion about something.”

Children of permissive parents spend, on average, more time watching TV and have higher body mass indexs. They are also more likely to suffer from sleep problems, which is probably from a lack of bedtime routine and unlimited screentime. And the trend across studies is that kids with permissive parents tend to have higher levels of “externalizing” problems (such as aggression and disruptive behavior) relative to kids with authoritative parents (Pinquart 2017).

Neal A Maxwell warned, in regards to society, : “I have no hesitancy, brothers and sisters, in stating that unless checked, permissiveness, by the end of its journey, will cause humanity to stare in mute disbelief at its awful consequences.” (Becometh as a Child, Neal A Maxwell, April 1996)

Authoritative Parenting

Parenting doesn’t have to be one or the other – loving and respectful, or harsh and demanding. Although it seems that way.

I love the way Dr. Ross Green describes this conundrum in his book, Raising Human Beings: “So, as it relates to how to raise kids, a lot of parents are a little confused about how to proceed these days. They’re mired in that muddy territory that lies between permissiveness and authoritarianism. They want their kid to be independent, but not if he’s going to make bad choices. They want to avoid being harsh and rigid, but not if the result is a noncompliant, disrespectful kid. They want to avoid being too pushy and overbearing, but not if an unmotivated, apathetic kid is what they have to show for it. They want to have a good relationship with their kid, but not if that means being a pushover. They don’t want to scream, but they do want to be heard.It’s all about balance, but the balance sometimes seems so precarious, so difficult to achieve.” (Ross Greene, Raising Human Beings)

This balance is called authoritative parenting. These are parents who respect children as persons with unique personalities and agency. They show unconditional love and don’t use their child’s attachment to them as a tool to manipulate behavior. They have high expectations and work with their child to solve problems, but know when to exercise their authority to ensure that their children are safe and stay within limits.

What is authoritative parents’ goal? Their priority is for their children to develop responsibility, kindness, empathy, and self-discipline. Most importantly, a desire to do what they know is right and treat others with respect and kindness.

Although my parents were not perfect, they were well-read and passionate about raising children who would grow up to be good people. Growing up I remember comments from well-meaning individuals that my parents were too lax with me and my siblings. We didn’t really have a curfew, we weren’t required to clean our rooms, we were allowed to pick the way we dressed and groomed ourselves, and they let us go on group dates before sixteen! And don’t even mention the fact that we were homeschooled and never finished a full year of school. The interesting thing is that none of us were involved in any of the rebellious or risky activities teenagers and college students are known for. So far we’ve all graduated from university, have good jobs, and keep a clean house. How is this possible??

Let’s look at some research… In one classic study, scientists began by distinguishing between the sort of parent who is sensitive, accepting, and cooperative, and the sort who assumes “she has a perfect right to do with [her child] what she wishes, imposing her will on his, shaping him to her standards, and interrupting him arbitrarily without regard for his needs, wishes, or activity-in-progress.” Lo and behold, it was the mothers in the first category—those who were less controlling—whose very young children were likely to do what they were told.⁷

So it seems that most children will obey their parents if they feel it is a 1) a reasonable request and 2) it is their choice.

In a second study, the two-year-olds who were most likely to comply with a specific request turned out to be those whose parents “were very clear about what they wanted, but in addition to listening to their children’s objections, they also accommodated them in ways that conveyed respect for the children’s autonomy and individuality.”⁸

A third study raised the stakes a bit by focusing on preschoolers who had been identified as unusually defiant. Some of their mothers were asked to play with them as they usually did, while others were trained to “engage in any activity that the child might choose and to allow the child to control the nature and rules of the interaction.” They were asked to refrain from commanding, criticizing, or praising. (Notice that praising was included alongside other forms of manipulation.) After the play sessions, the mothers, at the request of the experimenters, issued a series of commands to their children having to do with putting away each of the toys. The result: Children who had been subject to less control that is, those who had been given more say about how to play—were more likely to follow their mothers’ instructions.”

My hope is that the information I share in this episode is not interpreted as an argument for sitting back and letting children raise themselves. It’s our divine responsibility to be “in control,” in the sense of creating a healthy and safe environment, offering guidance, and setting limits—but it’s not our job to be “controlling,” in the sense of demanding absolute obedience or relying on coercion or continuous regulation. In fact, although it may sound paradoxical, we need to be in control of helping them to gain control over their own lives. The goal is empowerment rather than conformity, and the methods are respectful rather than coercive.”(Alfie Kohn)

Although I love devouring research studies and books on parenting, which give some helpful insights into parenting, I think the best place to look for the ideal parenting style is Jesus Christ and own Heavenly Parents. I’ve definitely noticed a pattern in how our Heavenly Father parents His children and what social scientists have discovered about the ideal parenting style:

Authoritative parents view their children as born persons.
Instead of treating the symptoms (behavior) they look to the cause — why is my child acting this way? What feelings are behind the thoughts and actions? What skills are they lacking?
Authoritative parents show unconditional love.
They show empathy and love no matter what they’re child is feeling. The parent doesn’t reject or accept the child depending on what feelings they show or skills they have.
Authoritative parents have reasonable and developmentally appropriate expectations.
Sometimes our personal preferences and pride get mixed up with our expectations for children. We need to ask ourselves and be honest: is this expectation reasonable? Is my child capable of meeting this expectation? Which skills are they lacking that prevent them from meeting this expectation? Authoritative parents focus on helping children gain skills so they can meet expectations instead of punishing them when they don’t.
Authoritative parents set limits and exercise righteous authority.
Setting and enforcing limits is not the same as punishment. There really should only be a few limits in the home. The more rules there are, the harder it is to remember and enforce them, and nothing erodes authority more than empty promises. When a child is incapable of meeting an expectation (either too young or emotionally upset) then the parent exercises authority by removing the child from the situation. We’ll talk more about this in a future episode.
Authoritative parents respect agency.
They want their children to act, not be acted upon. Any choice their child can safely make on their own, parents leave up to the child. They ask themselves: Is this expectation a commandment or just a personal preference? They warn children of natural consequences of choices and do not deprive them of the gift of learning from those consequences.

Over the past 70 years extrinsic motivation has dominated parenting advice, so it is very hard to comprehend teaching children without them, So how do authoritative parents educate their children without rewards and punishments? What tools are available to us? Charlotte said that the instruments available to parents and teachers are ATMOSPHERE, DISCIPLINE, AND A LIFE.

I just want to share a personal note before ending today: my own parenting style started out much more authoritarian. Many days I felt like a pendulum swinging from permissive to authoritarian as I set unrealistic expectations for my kids, then exhausted myself trying to enforce them, and eventually throwing in the towel and letting the kids do what they want because I was too tired or discouraged to follow up with my threats.

Over the years I’ve discovered the wisdom in authoritative parenting— this delicate balance between unconditional love and authority— and I’ve been able to see how my over control has affected my relationships with my children as well as their personalities. However, I’m still gaining these parenting skills and learning how to apply what I know to be true. I share everything on this podcast this not as an expert who has mastered these skills but as a fellow mother in the trenches who has discovered eternal truth and seen it work wonders in her own family.

One belief that’s helped me keep going each day is the belief that my children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a good one. They need a human parent who shows them what to do when you make mistakes — how to repent, ask forgiveness, and tries to be more like Christ each day.

We Are Not Alone

The weight of what is expected of us as parents can be crushing, but we’re not doing this alone. Mason reminds us that “When we recognise that God does not make over the bringing up of children absolutely even to their parents, but that He works Himself, in ways which it must be our care not to hinder, in the training of every child, then we shall learn passiveness, humble and wise. We shall give children space to develop on the lines of their own characters in all right ways, and shall know how to intervene effectively to prevent those errors which, also, are proper to their individual characters.” (3/35) Part of exercising parental authority is realizing that we are under authority of God, and He will not abandon us. We can trust that He is working in ways we cannot see.