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Education is a Life

EDUCATION IS A LIFE

“In saying that “education is a life,” the need of intellectual and moral as well as of physical sustenance is implied. The mind feeds on ideas, and therefore children should have a generous curriculum.” (Charlotte Mason, Educational Principles)

Living Ideas

Our physical bodies cannot live and thrive on just any food; we require nourishing food. Like our bodies, the mind requires nourishment, what Mason called “living ideas.” Ideas are different than information. Information to the mind is like a multivitamin to the body; it is concentrated and unnatural. It rarely ignites curiosity and deep thought. Information does not require the work of mental mastication and digestion. A fact is there, void of the narrative and living idea that makes it appetizing.

 “The mind is capable of dealing with only one kind of food; it lives, grows, and is nourished on living ideas only; mere information is like mere sawdust to the body; there are no organs for the assimilation of the one more than the other.” (Charlotte Mason, Philosophy of Education, pg 104)

One major difference between information and living ideas is that information comes from a lesser source and rarely inspires growth and change, while living ideas (or truth) comes from God; “In truth, a nation or a man becomes great upon one diet only, the diet of great ideas communicated to those already prepared to receive them by a Higher Power than Nature herself.” (School Education, 156)

We often hear the terms “prepare their heart” or “prepare thine heart” in the scriptures. (see Alma 16:16 and Psalm 10:17). A person’s heart (not matter what age) must be prepared to learn. Curiosity, questioning, and a craving for knowledge prepare our hearts for learning. Like with physical food, we cannot control what our child’s body needs or what it craves, we can simply set a wide feast and let our children digest what they are prepared to take in. Charlotte Mason expounds on this idea by saying  “These indefinite ideas which express themselves in an ‘appetency’ towards something and which should draw a child towards things, honest, lovely and of good report, are not to be offered of set purpose or at set times; they are held in that thought-atmosphere which surrounds him, breathed as his breath of life.” (Philosophy of Education, pg 107)

Seeds Planted in Heart and Mind

Alma describes perfectly the formation of a living idea when describing how faith is a seed planted in the heart. A living idea, a truth, is planted in a child’s heart and mind, and you know it is living when it sprouts, grows, and produces fruit of its kind.

Poet and philosopher Samuel Taylor Coleridge described ideas this way: “From the first or initiative idea, as from a seed, successive ideas germinate. Events and images, the lively and spirit-stirring machinery of the external world, are like light and air and moisture to the seed of the mind which would else rot and perish.” Sound familiar? This description is eerily similar to Alma’s description of faith in Alma 32:

“Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves—It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me.”

 

Setting the Feast

“Probably he will reject nine-tenths of the ideas we offer, as he makes use of only a small proportion of his bodily food, rejecting the rest. He is an eclectic; he may choose this or that; our business is to supply him with due abundance and variety and his to take what he needs.” (Philosophy of Education, 109)

The teacher’s role in a living education is “setting the feast” of subjects and ideas and letting the child’s brain digest what it craves and needs at that particular stage. As soon as I heard this analogy, I immediately thought of the following study:

In 1926, Clara Davis conducted a study that would be one of the most influential studies on infants and nutrition ever conducted. Davis took orphans that were brought into a Cleveland hospital–many of them malnourished and some with rickets– and gave them complete control over what they ate. She provided a feast of 34 whole foods, from cod liver oil to oranges to ground liver, and let the infants/toddlers choose what they ate every day for six months. She recorded every food and amount they ate on a daily basis. What she found astonished even herself. The infants who had rickets would gulp cod liver oil with their meals until their rickets were cured, then never touched the oil again. One baby ate two pounds of oranges for a few days straight, along with a few other food items. When her analysis was complete, she found that overall the babies ate a near perfect ratio of calories averaged at 17 % protein, 35 % fat, and 48 % carbohydrates — much in line with contemporary nutritional science. The infants also intuitively knew which nutrients they were lacking and ate foods to compensate, like the infants with rickets drinking vitamin D-rich liver oil.

This study on physical nutrition is applicable to mind-food as well. If we are providing our children with an abundant feast of wholesome ideas, they will choose certain ones to chew and digest based on their intellectual needs. 

When it comes to bodily food, we know better than to feed our child processed food,  exchange whole foods for potent doses of multivitamins, or feed them baby food past infancy. This would result in serious health problems. Yet we do those same things to mind-food: we feed children processed, junk ideas (Charlotte Mason called this “twaddle”); we feed them concentrated facts with no substance; and we blend up ideas into an unappetizing puree of dumbed-down knowledge that no person of any age actually enjoys.

In regards to both bodily food and mind food, parents and teachers are responsible for what is presented and when. Students are responsible for if they partake and how much.

 

When we read primary sources, or whole ideas, and then explain them to our children, we are giving them nothing to chew on and essentially giving them potent sources of unappetizing mind food. Children need whole food for the mind. They need to work on the rich ideas they receive by filtering through what is important, making connections, and finding answers to questions. By over-explaining, lecturing, dissecting, and dumbing down information, we are essentially doing this important work for our children and creating passive learners with weak constitutions. There will be times when our children will not comprehend what is read. And if they don’t understand they will ask. It is important to let children do the work of discovering truth on their own. We have all experienced the joy that comes from solving a difficult problem or answering a question on our own. Excellent teachers guide students to find answers and are available to help when needed, but they know their responsibility is not to do the important work of digesting knowledge for the students. 

As discussed in the Teacher’s Role article, our responsibility is to provide a feast of ideas, and trust that our child will digest what they need. The Holy Ghost knows our children, he knows what they are ready to learn, and he has prepared their hearts and minds to receive the ideas you present. They may not be the ones you expect or want, but they are the ideas your children. 

Dry Bones of Fact

Now the question is, what exactly is living ideas and where can we find them? Mason answer this questions simply, and quite vaguely: “children are most fitly educated on books and things.” Dry textbooks and worksheets should only be used as a spine or “bones” in an education. “Living ideas are the flesh on the dry bones of fact” she famously stated.

How do you recognize “sawdust” information and non-living educational materials?  Mostly it depends on if they spark ideas and begin to grow and bear fruit (going back to Alma’s definition of faith). But if you need hard-and-fast rules, ask yourself these questions:

If it’s a book:

  1. Is the book written by many authors?
  2. Is it void of narrative, personal stories, ?
  3. If so, does the story or plot flow and continue through the chapters?
  4. Are there side bars with information unrelated to the main text?
  5. Are there lists or bullet points?
  6. Is the text interrupted by questions? Are they closed or open-ended questions?

If you answered yes to most of these questions then you have a textbook on your hands, use sparingly or discard completely. 

If it’s an activity:

  1. Does the activity come from a source with the word “workbook” or “lesson” on it?
  2. Was the activity copied from a textbook?
  3. Does the activity look like a multiple-choice quiz?
  4. Does the activity require students to fill in a blank space by copying information found in a textbook or from a lecture?
  5. Do you currently or have you ever called the activity a worksheet?
  6. Can the child gain the same knowledge using real things or engage in real experience?

If you answered yes to these questions then the activity is a worksheet, aka “busywork.”

 “But my child loves worksheets!” I hear this especially from mothers of girls; the clear expectations and organized structure of worksheets is very appealing to our feminine nature. However, our children love and want lots of things, but it doesn’t always mean it’s the best thing for their development. Worksheets are not inherently bad, the problem lies in the fact that worksheets keep your child from doing more meaningful learning, like creative play, formulating their own questions, and synthesizing ideas. If they like worksheets because they are bored, well, boredom is good. It forces children to be creative and use their imagination. If you can review a subject or practice a skill without a worksheet, then get rid of it! If there is no other way to practice the skill (such as math), then keep it.

“Our chief concern for the mind or for the body is to supply a well order table with abundant, appetizing, nourishing and very varied food which children deal with in their own way and for themselves. This food must be served au natural, without the pre-digestion which deprived it of stimulating and nourishing properties and no sort of forcible feeding or spoon feeding may be practiced. Hungry minds sit down to such a diet with a charming greediness of little children.” (Charlotte Mason, Philosophy of Education, p. 72)

Ponder

“Therefore, go ye unto your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye may understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow, and I come unto you again.” (3 Nephi 17:3)

Albert Einstein spent over a year in Italy “loafing around aimlessly” dividing his time between attending lectures and being bored. Soon after this vacation he discovered the law of relativity.  That time spent in boredom was just what his mind needed to sort through information, make connections, and form new ideas. Just as our bodies require nourishment, exercise, and rest, so do our minds. When we have eaten a large, nutrient-rich meal, our desire for food decreases as our body prepares to digest what we have just eaten. India’s ancient Vedic tradition states that “rest is the basis for all activity.” Just as our body craves rest after eating and exercise, so does our mind. Interestingly, the brain has at least forty neural networks that are dedicated to a resting-state. The fact that so much of our brain activates when we are at rest says a lot about the importance of taking time to ponder. What constitutes a state of rest? Anytime you are not being externally stimulated in the form of tasks, socializing, electronic devices, reading a book, etc. Being at rest literally means being alone and bored, and it can be very uncomfortable for most of us because it requires our brain to go into a deep reflective mode. 

As difficult as this may be for our children, this is the time that the brain digests the information they have consumed and makes knowledge of it. This is the time that the brain solves problems, reflects on self, and makes connections. It is also when you consider what other people may be thinking or analyze their actions. This is the time that we receive personal revelation. The most powerful forms of pondering are daydreaming, meditation, and sleep (see chapter six of The Self-Driven Child by Stixrud and Johnson for more information on meditation and sleep).  

Imagine the state of your body if you were constantly eating or exercising all day long, with no breaks to rest. Now imagine the state of your child’s brain if it were constantly being stimulated by socializing with friends, being tested, and consuming information all day long. This analogy makes the high rates of childhood depression, anxiety, and stress much more understandable. When a child loses focus during school it simply means they are full and need time to digest. We can literally see their mind preparing to digest information by entering a day-dreaming state. Sadly, too often children are punished or incorrectly diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder simply because their mind craves rest from stimulation.

Mary Helen Immordino-Yang describes two alternating brain systems: 1) a task positive or “looking out” system that’s activated when we’re engaged in goal-directed tasks, and 2) a task-negative or resting system that is for “looking in.” School lessons and projects are task positive and are an essential part of education. We are taking in other people’s ideas and discoveries. But too often we neglect the second brain system which is just as important as the first. The resting system involves formulating our own ideas and making discoveries. I cannot overstate this enough: all people need a liberal amount of unstructured time to ponder and be at rest.

In the scriptures we are frequently told to “ponder” on the things we have learned. Information does not become knowledge until the individual’s mind has had time to act on it. The most important thing for parents to do is to let their children do nothing. Give your child the gift of a few hours each day of unscheduled time to be bored and ponder, because this is when the act of self-education truly takes effect. 

Strengthening the Mind

Not all subjects are driven by ideas, and vitality does not come from nourishment alone. The mind needs to be strengthened through exercise–by reasoning, logic, creativity, and problem solving.

Formulating questions, experimenting, solving mathematical problems, narrating, and playing are all forms of mental exercise. Most of these mental “exercises” are actually skills that are developed line-upon-line, precept-upon-precept. Math, writing, engineering, drawing, and other handicrafts are all skills people develop to express ideas and solve problems.

A healthy, strong body requires eating healthy foods and exercising. The mind requires the same: a feast of living ideas along with exercise that strengthen the minds faculties. You cannot draw out ideas of children (through mental exercise and skills) who have had nothing put it. And constantly putting in ideas without drawing them out produces weak minds with no true purpose of education.

The next few posts will explore and explain how to teach with living ideas and which exercises/skills are best suited for strengthening your child’s mind: books and things, narration, questions, play and projects.

ADDITIONAL LEARNING

Study

A Philosophy of Education pages 104-111

School Education Chapter VII, pages 150-158

Feasting Upon the Words of Christ By Elder Takashi Wada

Hungering, Thirsting, Teaching by Theo McKean

 

Ponder

Are my homeschool materials living or dry? How can I tell?

Do they allow my children to learn directly from great minds? Do they allow children to choose their projects and activities?

How do I “chew” or “digest” knowledge for my children? 

What do I need to change to allow my children opportunities to wrestle with knowledge on their own?

 

 

Apply

Look through your curriculum and throw out (or store) textbooks and worksheets. 
 

Replace these materials with high-quality, living books and real things. (See Books and Projects posts)

Develop the habit of allowing your child to grapple with big ideas on their own without explanation, moralizing, or lecturing (See Narration post).

Develop the habit encouraging your child to ask their own questions, and, when you do ask a question, only ask open-ended ones (See Question post)

 

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Education is a Discipline

DISCIPLINE

“By ‘education is a discipline,’ we mean the discipline of habits, formed definitely and thoughtfully, whether habits of mind or body.”

-Charlotte Mason

+ Why Habits are Important 

+ How Habits Start

The Habit Loop

+ Habit Training

+ Additional Learning

WHY HABITS?

Christopher Langen is considered one of the most intelligent people in the world with an IQ of 195 (in comparison Einstein’s was 150). But he has spent most of his life as a bouncer in a bar and is now a rancher.

Born in 1952, he had access to an adequate education offered by the public schools in Bozeman, Montana. He received a scholarship to Reed college but dropped out and never graduated. When reflecting on his inability to finish college, Christopher Langan explained to Malcolm Gladwell (author of Outliers) that some of the reason was due to financial aid, but most of it was experiences that could have easily been solved by good habits and practical knowledge.

The Sum of Human Nature

All children are born with innate intelligence and desire to be good, and many are born to loving parents with rich opportunities. But too many of these children grow up  to be adults that struggle to make basic decisions that affect their well-being. Charlotte Mason encountered the same puzzling phenomenon in the late 19th century, and asked the question that has been asked for centuries: why do intelligent, inherently-good children grow up to never reach their full potential?

In Home Education, Mason dedicates over 100 pages to answer this question. First, she describes foundational principles of human nature– all the passions, affections and emotions that are common to human beings. Think of it like this: people are born with two opposing forces that temper each other to varying degrees: the Light of Christ and the Natural Man. Every person is born with a unique genetic makeup that influences how they will react to the environment around them–physically, mentally and psychologically. 

The sum of all these–The Light of Christ, the Natural Man, and genetics—are what Mason calls “Human Nature.” They greatly determine the character of a child, so much so that as a parent you may think you have little power over your child’s  character. You may resolve to leave their personality alone and let them develop as they are. Or, as Mason says, “to let every child develop unhindered according to the elements of character and disposition that are in him.” (Home Education, pg 102)

But, human nature must not be left to grow unhindered. Mason clearly predicted the consequence of leaving children to their own devices, she said: “the world is making advances, but the progress is, for the most part, amongst the few whose parents have taken their education seriously in hand; while the rest, who have been allowed to stay where they were, be no more, or no better than Nature made them, act as a heavy drag:” (Home Education, pg. 103). 

But, as influential as human nature is, there is something more powerful that determines the destiny of a person: their habits.

‘Habit is Ten Natures’

“The child is born, doubtless, with the tendencies which should shape his future; but every tendency has its branch roads, its good or evil outcome; and to put the child on the right track for the fulfilment of the possibilities inherent in him, is the vocation of the parent.” 

Charlotte Mason’s beliefs about habit may have been considered theoretical in her day, but current research is slowly revealing the principal characters of human nature, and habit plays the lead role.

It is estimated around 40% of everything we do on a daily basis is habitual. If we had to consciously make decisions about every single thing we did, we would get very little done. Habit is the brain’s efficient solution to free-up working memory and make space for higher level thinking.

Habit takes away the burden of decision making, so the brain can concentrate willpower on more important issues. The vast majority of synaptic connections and pruning happen in the first three years of life. The atmosphere and discipline your child experiences shape their brain in ways that will greatly determine their destiny. 

Young children (before age 8) need much more structure and discipline than older children and teens. Mason said there is a warm flow of goodness at the heart of every young child, but they are incapable of steady effort because they have no strength of will, no power to make themselves do what they know they should do. This is the function of the parents: to make the child do that which he lacks the power to compel himself to (Home Education, p 99-100). 

Young children need the authority and structure that parents provide. You, the parent, provide this most vital education by your example (atmosphere), structure/routine (discipline), and teaching correct principles (life).  Once your child’s will is strengthened and good habits are formed, you can slowly step back and let your child govern himself. 

Train Up A Child

“Every day, every hour, the parents are either passively or actively forming those habits in their children upon which, more than upon anything else, future character and conduct depend. ” 

The words “behavior” and “habits” are used interchangeably in this article because they are so closely connected. Behavior either becomes a habit by reinforcement, or the behavior goes extinct because it is missing a vital piece of the habit loop (see part 2). Whether or not a behavior becomes a habit depends on you, the parent. 

Children are a bundle of raw material formed from their premortal and mortal attributes, but it is your job, as the parent, to shape these materials, and the most effective tool is habit training. I love the metaphor of “living clay” to describe parents’ responsibility to instill habits in their children:

“And to him who overcometh, and keepeth my commandments unto the end, will I give power over many kingdoms; And he shall rule them with the word of God; and they shall be in his hands as the vessels of clay in the hands of a potter;”

(Revelation 2:26-27)

“How habit, in the hands of the mother, is as his wheel to the potter, his knife to the carver– the instrument by means of which she turns out the design she has already conceived in her brain. Observe, the materials are there to begin with; his wheel will not enable the potter to produce a porcelain cup out of coarse clay; but the instrument is as necessary as the material or the design.” (Home Education, p. 97)

 

“To help another human being reach one’s celestial potential is part of the divine mission of woman. As mother, teacher, or nurturing Saint, she molds living clay to the shape of her hopes. In partnership with God, her divine mission is to help spirits live and souls be lifted. This is the measure of her creation. It is ennobling, edifying, and exalting.” (Russell M. Nelson, 1989)

Every day you, and the people your child associates with, are shaping your child’s character for good or bad through habits. In his bestseller book, Atomic Habits, James Clear explores current research that reveals the social implications of habits. Multiple studies have shown that people of all ages will develop the habits of those around them, especially if they meet one or more of these criteria:  1) the close, 2) the many, 3) and the powerful.

If your child spends more time with peers, they will develop the habits of their peers (the many). If your child is securely attached to responsible adults (parents, grandparents, teachers) and spends most of the time with them, your child will develop their habits.  It is imperative that you understand this truth if you want your child to develop desirable habits.

The habits you should be instilling in yourself and your children should be centered on Christlike attributes. These are the ten habits Charlotte Mason considered the most important:

  1. Attention 
  2. Obedience
  3. Truthfulness
  4. Morality
  5. Kindness
  6. Courtesy
  7. Critical Thinking
  8. Imagination
  9. Perfect Execution
  10. Personal Initiative

HOW HABITS START

Now that you understand why habits are foundational to education, let’s talk about how habits are formed and how to implement on a daily basis. To make habit training more approachable, I’ll compare each step in the habit loop to the habit that all mothers have experience with: potty training. 

Beliefs

“True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.”
(Boyd K. Packer, “Little Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1986, 17).

The first step in changing habits is changing beliefs. Most parenting books focus on changing behavior by reinforcement or extinction. This is called behaviorism, and it is, by far, the most popular theory in education and parenting today. However, the gospel of Jesus Christ does not focus solely on behavior–it focuses on improving relationships and changing  the beliefs of a person so they can change their own behavior. 

We who teach should make it clear to ourselves that our aim in education is less conduct than character; conduct may be arrived at, as we have seen, by indirect routes, but it is of value to the world only as it has its source in character.” (A Philosophy of Education, pg. 129)

How can you help shape your child’s beliefs? First, do not push your beliefs on your child; instead help them see consequences of choices through stories. Introduce them to living ideas and real heroes from the best books. Family history is another way to teach living ideas; children love to hear stories about when their parents were young. After you’ve read or told stories, resist a lecture (I know, it is HARD) and instead ask them open-ended questions to help them understand the story, like “do you think what ____ was right or wrong?” or, “what would you do in that situation? Why?” These simple questions help shape your child’s beliefs better than a lecture. 

Mason warns that teaching morals should be done naturally: “It is possible to sow a great idea lightly and casually; and perhaps this sort of sowing should be rare and causal because if a child detects a definite purpose in his mentor, he is apt to stiffen himself against it.” (A Philosophy of Education, p. 102)

As the parent, you assist your child in creating their beliefs and identity. But, you must remember your children are individuals and should not be manipulated or used to achieve your own goals. You have stewardship over your children, not ownership. The key is working with your child’s will, not against it. Your child must first change their beliefs and desires before their behavior will genuinely change.

Potty Training Example: Your child needs to believe that using the toilet is the right thing to do. Explain why toilets are used and why it is important. Talk about how every person learns how to use the toilet when they grow up. Get them to see and believe in the benefits of the habit. 

“We entertain the idea which gives birth to the act and the act repeated again and again becomes the habit;  ‘sow an act’ we are told, ‘reap a habit’ ‘sow a habit, reap a character.’ But we must go a step further back , we must sow the idea or notion which makes the act worth while.” (A Philosophy of Education, p. 102)

Ideas & Identity

“The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity.” 

(James Clear, Atomic Habits)

 

The words you speak have a powerful effect on how your child views themselves. For example, when you tell your child “you are kind,” “you are a helper,” and “you are courageous” they begin to see themselves as having those attributes. If you say “you are so impatient,” “you are such a brat,” and “you are naughty” they will see themselves that way, and any habit in line with that label will be accepted by their subconcious. They will accept that attribute as part of their identity. Help your child form an identity instead of simply changing a behavior. Teach them to become a reader, don’t just read a book; become a painter, don’t just paint a picture. 

 

In his bestselling book, Atomic Habits, James Clear points out a truth that is usually disregarded in most behavior programs: beliefs and desire are the driving force behind behavior. Charlotte Mason also pointed this truth in her volume on education. She said,  “A habit becomes morally binding in proportion to the inspiring power of the idea which underlies it.” (School Education, page 110).

 

Potty Training Example: Toddlers see parents and siblings using the toilet and wearing underwear. They come to understand that wearing underwear is a rite of passage, that using the toilet is something that “big kids” do. They may identify themselves as a “big” boy or girl, and change their behavior to be in line with that identity. 

THE HABIT LOOP

Charles Duhigg was the first to identify the “habit loop” in his book The Power of Habit. He observed and researched for years before discovering the four common components of all habits. He called his discovery ‘the Habit Loop.’ In the book Atomic Habits, James Clear expounds on the habit loop and how to apply it in real life. I have taken knowledge provided in both books and combined them with Charlotte Mason’s insights on habit formation and my own experiences. The instructions below are for developing a new, desirable habit, but if you want to extinguish an undesirable habit, simply do the opposite: (1) make it invisible, (2) make it undesirable, (3) make it difficult, (4) make it unsatisfying. 

Cue: Make it Obvious

The cue is something that tells the brain to start the habit. It could be something that is not in-line with a person’s identity or desires–your child believes themself to be a clean person, and seeing a messy room cues them to clean it. It could be a sequence of behaviors–going to the bathroom upon waking. Or it could be a craving that reminds them to do the habit–the pressure of a full bladder and the craving to pee.

The best way to cue a habit is through the environment. In kindergarten classrooms there are bins with pictures/words written on them as a cue to put toys in them. Think: “A place for everything and everything in its place.” People’s behavior changes dramatically based on the environment, so make the atmosphere of your home orderly and peaceful. Your behavior as a parent can cue your child’s bad habits–tone of voice, word choice, body language, etc. so be aware of how you can change your own behavior to help change your child’s.

At the beginning you are your child’s cue, but this should only be temporary, like the scaffold of a building. Once the foundation is set, the scaffold is slowly removed so the building can stand on its own. The same goes for children and habits. One way to do this is by directing your child’s attention to what they need to do, or asking them what needs to be done. This is much more effective than using directive language (“don’t do that!” or “do this”).

Directive language does not build the prefrontal cortex,, strengthen the will, or create internal cues. For example, if your child starts to pee their pants, you could tell your child, “STOP! You’re peeing!” and quickly take them to the bathroom. The alternative (and more effective) method is to say “Oh, look! What is happening? Where should you go pee? What do you need to do now?” The sight and feeling of pee is their cue; you are simply directing their attention to it. This works for the majority of habits–closing doors, taking dishes to sink, hanging up coats, etc.

For other habits, you can use a daily chart or checklist. Make a list of what your child needs to do each day (get dressed, brush teeth, practice instrument, etc.) and hang it up where they can see it–make it obvious! The added bonus is that each habit will cue the next (get dressed after making bed, sit and read scriptures until breakfast is ready); this is called “habit stacking” and it is very effective for keeping habit momentum going. A daily chart/checklist helps children know what is expected of them and is a powerful kick start for habit formation. 

As I stated before, children need help in the beginning when their will is weak. You may have to scaffold the routine for a while before it becomes a habit. Hang the list on their bedroom door so they see it as soon as they wake up. Walk through the list with them everyday, asking “what do you do after eating breakfast?” Like potty training it will be tiring  for the first few weeks, but if you are diligent it will be worth the effort. 

Craving: Make it Attractive

In Chapter 10 of Atomic Habits, James Clear outlines the three groups that people of all ages imitate: the close, the many, and the powerful. The close relationships of family and friends will determine which habits your child will find attractive. Additionally, the peers your child associates with will also influence which habits your child develops. Finally, your child will most likely adopt the behavior of the people they see as powerful: characters from books and scriptures, religious leaders, athletes, singers, movie stars, etc. 

A positive, secure attachment with your child will ensure that they will view your habits/behavior as attractive and seek to imitate you. And if you want your kids to find certain habits attractive, put them in environments or groups where that behavior is the norm. Immerse your children with stories of high moral character from people living in the past or present. 

Before you attempt to develop certain habits in your children, you must first develop them yourself.  Children learn from example–thanks to mirror neurons and attachment–and if you attempt to develop a habit in your child before yourself, it will inevitably fail.

Give your child more autonomy in choices and they will be more likely to adopt that behavior. As discussed in the Agency section, your child will be more likely to choose to develop a habit if it is their choice. It is helpful to ask when and where your child wants to practice their instrument (after lunch, before dinner, in between school subjects, etc). The same goes for other habits, like exercise and chores.

 You can make potty training more attractive by letting your child watch you use the toilet, even if it may be uncomfortable. Many children find it attractive to have cool new underwear, and they find it unattractive to have an accident in them. Make it a priority to point this out to them.

 

Response: Make it Easy

“But of two things she will be careful–that he never slips off without shutting the door, and that she never lets the matter be a cause of friction between herself and the child, taking the line of his friendly ally to help him against that bad memory of his.” (Home Education, p. 124)

The actual behavior of the habit is called the response, and it needs to be simple and easy to perform. “The idea  behind make it easy is not to only do easy things. The idea is to make it as easy as possible in the moment to do things that payoff in the long run.” (James Clear, Atomic Habits)

Make it easy for your children to develop good habits by making the action short and simple. For example, if you want your child to develop the habit of attention, schedule school lessons for the morning when their brain is at its freshest and make the lessons short so your child can focus the entire time. Gradually increase lesson time as the habit is formed. Design and organize the school room so it is easy to get school started and put things away when done. 

If you want your child to read more books, make it the easiest option for when they are bored–get rid of the television (or unplug it) and make books available all over the house. If you want your children to play outside more often, buy the right outerwear and have it available right by the door. 

An excellent method to make habits easy is to role play. If it is difficult for your child to engage in a desirable habit in certain situations, practice the good habit in a non-threatening situation. If your child uses inappropriate language or engages in aggressive behavior when they are frustrated, role play a situation where the child is regularly frustrated. For example, the younger sibling destroys a Lego creation and the older sibling must practice hitting a pillow (instead of a sibling) or telling the sibling what they did wrong (instead of hurtful names). Regular role playing starts to ‘lay the rails’ in your child’s mind, which makes it easier for them to engage in the desirable habit when faced with the real situation.

You must replace a bad habit instead of trying to eliminate it. The child will always go back to an old behavior if it is not replaced by a better habit that is just as easy to complete.

Potty Training: Start small by potty training with no bottoms on so the child does not have to bother with pants/undies in the beginning. Keep a training potty nearby so as soon as they need to go it is only a couple feet away. When that has become a habit, move on to something a little more difficult. Add loose fitting pants and move the potty into the hall. Keep going until the child can run into the bathroom by themselves. 

Reward: Make it Satisfying

“One word more, prompt action on the child’s part should have the reward of absolute leisure, time in which to do exactly as she pleases, not granted as a favour, but accruing (without any words) as a right.” (Home Education, page 121)

Satisfaction comes from engaging in a habit that is in-line with our identity or by appealing to our most basic needs (love, security, power, etc). If your child believes themselves to be a kind, helpful, creative, hardworking, etc. person, then acknowledging and reinforcing behavior that is in line with their identity will make it satisfying.

One of the world’s most renowned behavior scientists, Sidney W. Bijou, noted “The most effective way to teach children to behave well is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive, reinforcing means. The least effective means to reduce problem behavior is through the use of aversive or negative processes.” (Behaviorism, 444-451)

You reinforce your children’s behavior (habits) by how you react to, or reward it. When your child craves your attention, they seek to satisfy the craving with undesirable or desirable behavior. When you give them your attention, they are satisfied, and this guarantees the behavior will be repeated. If you want your child to develop desirable behavior, you must make those habits satisfying by giving attention to them. The “reward” should be short and simple: genuine praise is the easiest and most effective, but for some children a touch on the shoulder or hug works well, too. Whatever the reward, it needs to be immediate and consistent. Once your child is older and more mature, they can pick a motivation that is tied to the habit. If your child completes all their tasks on their checklist each day, they earn a reward that they have chosen (see Notes on Rewards below)

Let’s talk a little more about praise and recognition. They are universal human cravings that are deeply satisfying to people of all ages. Never underestimate the power of recognition. Look for the good in the smallest actions and verbally acknowledge it. It should be short and simple–under 12 words and less than 5 seconds, according to Glenn Latham, author of Christlike Parenting. It can be accompanied by a touch on their shoulder or a smile. You do not need to praise them for everything, but you should be giving praise more than criticism–a lot more. 

Research shows that positive reinforcement is much more effective than criticism, yet parents’ natural instinct is to criticize when they see bad behavior and ignore the good behavior. Dr Glenn Latham reports that 90-95% of most positive behavior goes unrecognized (Christlike Parenting)  How much should we be praising? Some estimates are a ratio of 5 positive to every negative interaction. Research also shows that children’s brains literally grow better when they are given positive reinforcement versus negative. If that wasn’t enough, acknowledging the positive behavior and ignoring the negative behavior is proven to be more effective at reducing the negative behavior than by just criticizing!

What is considered undesirable behavior? It totally depends on your family. But the hard and fast rule is that if the child is physically hurting someone or breaking something, you should intervene. Otherwise, ignore it. If the behavior is truly bothering you, redirect them to something else and connect with them. Praise them for the good behavior they are now engaged in.

By ignoring the undesirable behavior you take out the reward part of the habit loop, and the habit will eventually go extinct. For many children, acting out is the only way they receive their parent’s attention. They crave it so badly that they will settle for whatever they can get, even if it’s negative attention. The reward is compounded by the fact that parents may respond to the undesirable behavior with “you are so annoying/obnoxious/naughty.” When a child adopts these negative identities as their own, the negative behavior is strengthened because they believe their behavior is in line with who they are.

Potty Training: When your child pees on the toilet, they feel satisfied because they kept their new underwear dry and clean! They feel satisfied when you praise them for their effort and their big kid behavior. They feel satisfied when they put a sticker on a chart for each time they use the toilet (if your child is motivated by that).

Some notes on rewards: 

They should be a natural consequence or directly related to the habit. “Even with regular and short lessons, a further stimulus may be occasionally necessary to secure the attention of the child. His desire of approbation may ask the stimulus, not only of a word of praise, but of something in the shape of a reward to secure his utmost efforts. Now, rewards should be dealt out to the child upon principle: they should be the natural consequences of his good conduct.” (Home Education, p. 142)

Rewards are a slippery slope and can easily extinguish intrinsic motivation. “Marks, prizes, places, rewards, punishments, praise, blame, or other inducements are not necessary to secure attention, which is voluntary, immediate and surprisingly perfect.” (A Philosophy of Education, p. 7)

Bring out their good feelings. Tell your child “you must be so proud of yourself for mastering that song!” or “how do you feel after keeping your new underwear dry and clean?” It is fine to tell your child you are proud of their effort and determination, but do not tie your love and acceptance to their achievements. Make the habit satisfying because of internal motivation (their self-esteem and confidence) and not external (your love).

DAILY HABIT TRAINING

“Tact, watchfulness, and persistence are the qualities she must cultivate in herself; and, with these, she will be astonished at the readiness with which the child picks up the new habit.” (Home Education, page 122)

Habit formation is intense and it can easily become overwhelming. Potty training is a form of habit training that requires constant attentiveness from the mother for at least  a week. But if it is done correctly and the habit is formed, the maintenance requires little or no work from the mother. The same goes for other habits: if you go into it with a laissez faire attitude and commitment, the habit will never fully develop.

As a mother of three boys, I am well aware that you cannot plan for everything–life with children is spontaneous and hectic. Many things will get in the way of habit training, making it seem impossible. But it is possible, and essential. Here are some things that make habit training much easier to implement on a daily basis:

  • Focus on one habit at a time.
  • Be intentional. Habit train during the summer or during breaks so you can fully focus on those habits. Make it the educational focus for that time.
  • Start small and be consistentCompounding interest is the investment principle that small, consistent increases make big payoffs. It is better to have small, but consistent, goals rather than large ones that you cannot sustain. Starting small could be asking your young child to pick up and put away 5 puzzle pieces instead of all of them. Slowly work up to 10, then 20, until they can pick up every single piece. This is similar to the “make it easy” principle—make it attainable. 
  • Be consistent. The goal is to create a neurological “trail” in your child’s brain that it will automatically take when given the choice. But just like trails in the woods, it requires that the trail is cleared from consistent use. Do your habit as often as possible. 
  • Decide on “Floors and Ceilings.” After listening to the “Floors and Ceilings” Brooke Snow podcast episode I started using this concept for habit training. It has made a world of difference. The floor is the bare minimum, the smallest step you can take. The ceiling is your ideal goal or habit. Decide on your “floor” and your “ceiling” As long as you are doing the bare minimum each day you will keep the momentum going and the habit will form.
  • Focus on the process, not the product. Don’t get hung up on mistakes; you’re looking for progress, not perfection. We all make mistakes; the important thing is to look at the process, or pattern, of your habit formation. Slipping up once is a mistake, letting it happen twice in a row is the return to an old habit. 

As a parent, you have an enormous responsibility to train up your children with habits that guarantee a happy, successful life. You do this by the beliefs you instill into your children, the words you use to establish their identity, and things you do to reward their behavior. You create a scaffold in the early years while their will is still weak, then slowly nurture good habits so that one day they can govern themselves. As Charlotte Mason famously stated, “The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures herself smooth and easy days.” (Charlotte Mason)

ADDITIONAL LEARNING

Ponder

WHY are habits so important in the Plan of Salvation? WHAT part do they play in sin and righteousness?

WHICH habits do I want my children to develop? Are my children surrounded by people that exhibit those behaviors/habits? Do I exhibit the habits I want my children to develop?

HOW does 2 Corinthians 6:14 relate to habits?Are addiction and habits the same thing? Why or Why not? 

HOW can I prepare my children to resist addiction/destructive habits?

 

Apply

Make a list of habits you think are the most important to happiness and success (temporally and spiritually). Keep your list short–contemplate the habits that are foundational to all others.

Pray and ask “what lack I yet?” Add any attributes to your list you feel impressed to develop.  

Using the habit loop, chose one habit at a time to develop in yourself and your children. Summer is a great time to focus on habits.

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Narration

The Basics

NARRATION

“Narrating is an art, like poetry-making or painting, because it is there, in every child’s mind, waiting to be discovered, and is not the result of any process of disciplinary education. A creative fiat calls it forth. ‘Let him narrate’; and the child narrates, fluently, copiously, in ordered sequence, with fit and graphic details, with a just choice of words, without verbosity or tautology, so soon as he can speak with ease. This amazing gift with which normal children are born is allowed to lie fallow in their education.” (1/231)

What is Narration and Why is it Important?

The next stage of language acquisition is expressing ideas, feelings, and thoughts through speaking. This is where narration comes in. Narration is simply telling back what you know. In Charlotte Mason’s education method narration was the replacement for multiple-choice tests and worksheets. The act of simply telling back what you know may seem ineffective, but science is proving that this small and simple act is more effective than traditional methods of testing.

In a recent experiment (2018), people learned about sound waves and the Doppler effect. At the end of studying, the participants were told they would teach a lesson on what they learned, and they were  randomly assigned to two groups: deliver the lesson with notes, the other without. A week later, they came back and had to take a surprise test on their recall. The ones who had taught the lesson without notes did better.

Having to describe the Doppler effect in their own words–i.e. to narrate– made a longer-lasting impression on their minds than taking notes. The best way to learn something is to  narrate it to someone else.

Long before this study, Charlotte Mason summed up this truth by stating:

 “As we have already urged, there is but one right way, that is, children must do the work for themselves. They must read the given pages and tell what they have read, they must perform, that is, what we may call the act of knowing. We are all aware, alas, what a monstrous quantity of printed matter has gone into the dustbin of our memories, because we have failed to perform that quite natural and spontaneous ‘act of knowing,’ as easy to a child as breathing and, if we would believe it, comparatively easy to ourselves. The reward is two-fold: no intellectual habit is so valuable as that of attention; it is a mere habit but it is also the hall-mark of an educated person. Use is second nature…” (A Philosophy of Education, pg 99)

A Timeless Method

I first experienced the power of narration while at Brigham Young University. I was exposed to many styles of teaching, but only one style was effective in retaining the knowledge I learned in that class. In my final, higher-level class the professor employed a unique teaching strategy: looking back I recognize this technique as narration. 

These were the requirements for the class: read 2-3 research studies per week, come to class to discuss your thoughts, write one research paper, and take a midterm and final. There was no study guide for the exams because they were essays. They consisted of questions like “Describe how forgiveness benefits family life” and “What did you learn about sacrifice and how it affects relationships?” The exams were difficult, but not in the same way that multiple choice tests were difficult. It required me to synthesize all the information I learned and convey it in a meaningful way. I was forced to think for myself instead of guessing which minute details the professor had handpicked from the textbook. To this day I still retain the knowledge I learned in that class–not because I memorized it, but because I made it mine.

“Our business is to provide children with material in their lessons, and leave the handling of such material to themselves.” (Charlotte Mason, Home Education, pg 247)

Eleanor Roosevelt is known for her intellect, speaking skills, and ability to think critically. Before she was the wife of a president and beloved public figure she was educated at a private finishing school near London, England. The history teacher at the school would not accept essays full of dull facts and parroted information; she expected her students to synthesize information, to write down their thoughts on the topic and support them with sources.  Eleanor attributed her abilities to think original thoughts and speak eloquently to this history teacher.  In her autobiography , Eleanor said that that teacher did more for her education than any other teacher in her life. She taught Eleanor how to make knowledge her own. She taught her how to think for herself.

During the 1960’s life was difficult for Black Americans; and Sonya Carson was no exception. As a single mom with a third grade education she fought hard to stay afloat. She worked two to three jobs while parenting her two boys, Ben and Curtis. After Ben brought home an unsatisfactory report card, she decided to make a change. She saw their potential, and knew they were capable of much more than what they were accomplishing. So she instituted a simple  rule: the boys were limited to two TV shows per week, and they were required to read two books and write a report about (narrate) each one. After only a few months, Ben’s grades improved and  his life ambitions changed. After graduating high school at the top of his class,  he attended Yale and became a world-renowned brain surgeon and is now serving as the U.S. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

“We Tell and Then We Know”

Narration is simply telling what you know, but the act of narration is difficult and produces powerful results. After Eleanor and Ben read books, they were required to tell what they learned from the book, or were asked open-ended questions that required them to think original thoughts. This is narration. There was no multiple choice test or fill-in-the-blanks, and they were not required to write about any certain theme from the book. They simply wrote about what they learned or found interesting.

“Psychologically, narration crystallises a number of impressions. It also tends to complete a chain of experiences.” (Wix, PR 28, p. 697-693)

“The value of narration does not lie wholly in the swift acquisition of knowledge and its sure retention. Properly dealt with, it produces a mental transfiguration. It provides much more exercise for the mind than is possible under other circumstances and there is a corresponding degree of alertness and acquisitiveness. As a Yorkshireman would put it, the children become very “quick in t’ up-tak” (quick in the up-take).”

Personalized Education

Each person is unique and what they gain from a book depends on their experience, maturity, and past knowledge. What your child gained from a book may be much more personalized, and therefore influential, for them than what you gained from the book. As I explained in “The Teacher’s Role,” narration allows the child to grapple with knowledge directly and to be taught by the Holy Ghost. The process of summarizing and synthesizing information is difficult because it requires the brain to transfer information from one side to the other. It is a whole brain activity. In his article, “The Method of Narration” Mr. Boardman beautifully and concisely describes the purpose of narration:

“This, then, is the purpose of narration—a purpose which we would do well to keep constantly before us. There should be no misconception. It is not a teacher’s device designed to find out if the child has completed a given task. It is not an act of verbal memory. It is a process which makes all the difference between a child knowing a thing and not knowing it. Narration is, indeed, like faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. It is the method whereby the child assimilates what he reads.”

How to Use Oral Narration

Starting at age six children should start oral narration. DO NOT require narration before this age. Instead, prepare your children by being an example of proper narration; after reading scriptures briefly narrate the story you read, or tell about your nature walk. If your child has older siblings they will already be well acquainted with narration and will most probably join in uninvited.

Although you may not realize it, your child already knows how to narrate; they may tell you (in detail) about a funny incident with a friend or a story they read with a grandparent. As explained in the “Parental Talk” section, it is imperative that you listen when they speak. This can be difficult as it seems they may never stop, but they will learn how to prune and edit their ideas as they get older. This is all a part of the process, have faith in it!

Start with Stories

Begin formal narration by reading something simple, but not too short. Fairy tales, Aesop’s Fables, or scripture stories provide good material for children to narrate. Before you begin reading, ask the child(ren) to recount what happened in the last reading. Next, write on the blackboard and pronounce names or words that may be difficult to pronounce during the reading. This is also a good time to give a sneak-peak of what you will be reading next to waken your child’s enthusiasm, if needed.

“…all [unfamiliar] names should be on the board directly the introductory question on the previous lesson has been dealt with, and the children should say them over until their tongues find them easy and familiar.” (Wix, Parent Review, pg. 68)

“Tell Me What You Learned”

When you are finished with the reading (usually a chapter or 2-3 pages) ask your child to tell you what they remember from the story or what they learned. Their first narrations may be short, incoherent, and/or incorrect at first. But don’t worry! Just like the body’s muscles, the mind will get stronger with practice. Resist the urge to correct and criticize their narration. If there are older siblings that listened as well, ask them what they remember from the reading; many times the correction will be addressed naturally and the child’s dignity will remain intact. If you are reading with multiple children there are some fun ways to narrate as a group: see “Notes on Narration” in the resources section below. These suggestions work well for book clubs, family scripture study, and when children are combined for form lessons (like history).

“So, probably young children should be allowed to narrate paragraph by paragraph, while children of 7 or 8 will ‘tell’ chapter by chapter. Corrections must not be made during the act of narration, nor must any interruption be allowed.” (6/191)

“If the lesson has been misunderstood, narration will show where, and when that is finished it is the teacher’s part to start a discussion in order to clear up misconceptions, etc.” (PR 36, pp. 780-782)

It is important to read the passage or chapter only once–do not read it a second or third time because your child was inattentive. Charlotte Mason is clear on this issue: the bad habit of inattentiveness should not be cultivated. If your child has not listened closely enough, close the book and tell them that you are sorry they missed the story and  hope they will listen more closely to the next chapter. This has happened to me and it is hard not to give in to their pleas to re-read it. But be firm and loving. I promise after only one or two of these incidents your child will learn to listen. 

“By the way, it is very important that children should be allowed to narrate in their own way, and should not be pulled up or helped with words and expressions from the text.” (1/289)

Children should narrate orally all throughout school years, although in year 4-5 they will start writing some of their narrations down on paper. Eventually written narration will take precedence, but do not give up oral narration! It is still the foundation of excellent language skills.

What if Your Child Won’t Narrate?

After reading a chapter from the lesson book you ask your child, “Please tell me what you learned from that story.”  Silence. Your child shifts in their seat and looks around for an escape. They shrug and say “I don’t know” or the popular “I don’t remember anything.”

We’ve all been there, either as the narrator or the listener. There are a lot of reasons why narration may be difficult for your child. The important thing is to try not to get angry (or at least try not to show it) and don’t repeat the reading or tell them what happened. Before giving up on narration, identify the issue that is making it difficult to narrate. Here are some common issues with narration along with some suggested solutions:

  1. Your child may need more time to develop.
    If your child is just barely six years old and is having a hard time narrating it may be they are not developmentally ready for formal narration. Go back to the basics of reading aloud and letting them narrate when they choose. Listen intently when they narrate everyday experiences; you’ll be surprised at how well they can narrate when they are talking about something they truly know.
  2. Summarizing a whole story may be overwhelming.
    For some children trying to tell back the whole story or chapter may be overwhelming. In this case, they may need a little more structure. Try asking them an open-ended question instead. E.g. “tell me about a time when a character was honest (or kind, courageous, etc).” Another good one is “What would have happened if (character) hadn’t make the choice they did?” Read Aloud Revival has a whole podcast episode and workbook on how to ask open-ended questions with your kids. I’m also working on my own post about asking questions. 
  3. Your child needs time to comprehend the story.
    Some children need more time to digest the material. The next time you read from the book, ask your child to recount the chapter you last read. You can say “Can you remind me what happened the last time we read?” This is called delayed narration.
  4. Your child has difficulty expressing their ideas verbally.
    Charlotte Mason has made clear the importance that children learn how to express their ideas through oral narration. However, in addition to oral narration (which may be difficult for your child) ask them to narrate by drawing their narration or acting it out. 
  5. The book may not be interesting to your child.
    If the book is not considered “living” or the author’s style is just not interesting enough to keep your child’s attention it is ok to switch to a different book. Some days children are just having an off-day, and may not pay attention,  but if it is a regular occurrence consider looking for a different book on the same subject. 

ADDITIONAL READING

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Education is an Atmosphere

ATMOSPHERE

“The child breathes the atmosphere emanating from his parents; that of the ideas which rule their own lives” (Charlotte Mason, Vol. 2, p. 247)

At a homeschool retreat I attended last year, one of the speakers was asked to explain the reasoning behind his and his wife’s decision to homeschool. He said “I believe in the principle of marination.” Seeing that he had effectively confused the audience, he continued; “According to the principle of marination, a person or thing will passively absorb the flavor of whatever it is surrounded by. I want my children to absorb the flavor—habits, beliefs and mannerisms—of my wife, not public school.” 

The very first teaching tool that Charlotte Mason lists in her philosophy of education is Atmosphere. My theory is that Charlotte listed these tools in sequential order: atmosphere, discipline, then life. The atmosphere is the foundational tool as it encompasses learning from relationships with people and real-life experiences. All people start learning from their environment the moment they are born. 

Be Thou An Example

“First, we must control our behavior. Next, we must control the environment of our home. If we have done this, the children will control themselves.”
 (Louise Latham, The Power of Positive Parenting)

As the parent, you set the tone of your home. You are in control of your own behavior which is a significant factor in whether your home is peaceful and positive or contentious and negative. You teach your children more through your example than from lectures. Children’s brains are equipped with mirror neurons which help them internalize and imitate the behavior they see, especially people they are securely attached to (See Hold on to Your Kids). The most important part of your child’s education is training their character, or heart. This is done through your example and the atmosphere of your home. Theodore Roosevelt once said “To educate a man in mind and not in morals is to educate a menace to society.”

Too many early childhood programs are focused on academics when they should be focusing on the foundation for academics. A young child’s brain is primed for establishing 1) relationships, 2) five senses, 3) language and 4) morals. The atmosphere of your home has the capacity to develop and nurture all four of those areas. Creating a positive, beautiful, and sensory-rich environment should be the first order of business when establishing a center of learning in your home.

Instead of basing your evaluation on negative interactions in your home, base your valuations on the amount of positive interactions. There will always be negative interactions in groups of imperfect people, but when there are  positive interactions they will counteract the negative. So look for the good and celebrate it.

Language

The language you speak is powerful, and it will shape how your child views the world and themselves. The quality of speech important, specifically when it is positive and encouraging. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for self-regulation (or “the will”), is very sensitive to stress. Negative interactions and stressful situations suppress the growth of the prefrontal cortex. Positive, supportive interactions nurtures growth. Although young children are not capable of mature behavior, their brain needs nurturing right now if it will ever function at optimum level when they are older. Instead of barking negative directives–“don’t, stop, go away”–use positive ones. Tell children what they can do; “Here, you can hold the cup while I pour the milk” and, “The sand needs to stay outside.”  If children only hear that they can’t, they will eventually believe it. 

When your child does something desirable, prioritize telling them they are a good attribute; you are a helper, you are so kind, you are a hard worker. When they do something undesirable, speak about their behavior; “that was not a kind thing to do.” “Leaving your books on the ground is not responsible.” In this way you are creating a narrative that they are inherently good, and their behavior is not in line with who they are or should be. Research proves this to be true. Additionally, When your child makes an improvement, even if it’s small, praise their effort, and be specific. E.g. “You must be really proud of yourself for _______.”  If you absolutely need to criticize or “reproof betimes with sharpness” ( D&C 121:43) make sure you start with praise; it’s much better to use “and” instead of “but.” For example, “you are getting so good at writing your letters in the lines, and your handwriting will be even better when you form your e’s just like I showed you.” Or, “I love you and I can’t let you hurt your brother.”

Relationships

Studies have shown that children learn better social skills in mixed-age classrooms, and even more from their parents. ( Urie Bronfenbrenner,Two Worlds Of Childhood) This is an indisputable fact, yet most parents still believe that children need to learn social skills from peers, and public schools still separate children by birth year instead of mixing ages.

The reality is this: when older children teach the younger ones , like magic, they feel the need to be more responsible and engage in more mature behavior. They intuitively know how to teach younger children because they have been in the situation not too long before. Younger children look up to the older children and want to join in their activities and conversations. 

Children learn mature social skills from watching their parents. They learn about genuine friendship from family relationships; how to be loyal, selfless, loving, forgiving, and kind. Children learn from the example set by parents and older siblings and they get opportunities to practice those skills in daily life. These unique opportunities are only available in family life, and this is why: when a person of any age is securely attached to other people (like parental and sibling relationships), they feel safe to disagree, to assert their rights and opinions, and to stand up when they feel their rights are not respected. They learn how to apply these social skills to multiple situations and a range of ages.

Sibling Rivalry

As a parent you may feel discouraged when you see negative social behavior in your children. But what you may  not realize is that this is an essential part of maturation, and it needs to happen when people are young and where they feel safe. They need to know they will be forgiven and loved when they make mistakes. They need to learn how to forgive people when they are wronged, how to assert their opinion in productive ways without being rejected, and how to respect  those who have different opinions. They need to learn how authority works and why it is important. It is much more difficult at school where relationships are mostly superficial and conditional.

You will not see your child exhibit the same behavior with peers because your child does not feel safe enough to be vulnerable and display their whole spectrum of emotions. For boys, emotions usually become physical as they express emotions more easily this way; wrestling, tackling, and hugging are the result of almost every emotion. Many times play fights will turn into real fights because one boy was too rough or the competition became too intense. The boys learn from their experience and alter their strength or change their tactics.  Children need to learn their limits while they are young, otherwise they will learn when they are older and the consequences are more serious.

I guarantee that you will see more negative behavior between siblings than with peers, but it is an essential part of maturation; avoiding sibling rivalry is only prolonging the inevitable. The truth is that the more vulnerable the relationship, the more hurt feelings. Maturation and development of social skills is messy, but essential, and the best environment for children to learn these valuable skills is at home with their family. They can practice those skills with peers, but the real work is done at home.

Teach Correct Principles

How can you allow your children the freedom they need to learn and grow, but still maintain a positive atmosphere? Teach correct  principles and let them govern themselves. Especially for children over eight years old. 

Taking a principle from human systems management, we can see how to make our home more positive while still maintaining a sense of agency;  Anytime you see sibling relationships in apparent chaos your “training” urges you to interfere to stabilize and shape things up. But if you can trust the workings of chaos, you will see that the dominant shape of your family can be maintained if you retain clarity about the purpose and direction of the members. If you succeed in maintaining focus, rather than hands on control, you also create the flexibility and responsiveness that every family craves. What parents are called upon to do in a chaotic world is to shape their families through concepts. Simple guiding principles, guiding visions, strong values, family beliefs – the few rules individuals can use to shape their own behavior. (paraphrased from Christlike Parenting by Glenn Latham, pg 159)

I recommend writing a family mission statement to help the members of your family prioritize the principles your family wants to be built on. (see “Apply” section for complete details).

Simplify

“It is worthwhile to remember that space is the most precious and also the most pleasing thing in a house or room; and that even a small room becomes spacious if it is not crowded with useless objects.” (Charlotte Mason)

Charlotte Mason was a strong advocate of simplifying the atmosphere of the home to create beauty and order. When you are focused on buying more of the “best” homeschool items and spend most of your time and energy organizing and cleaning up these items, you lose sight of what matters most: relationships and experiences. When your children have too many toys and too many choices, their nervous system becomes overloaded and they don’t enjoy playing or engaging as deeply. Less is more when it comes to toys and homeschool items. Except books; you can never have enough “living books.”

 “So many choices and so much stimuli rob them of time and attention. Too much stuff deprives kids of leisure, and the ability to explore their world deeply… Imagine the sensory overload that can happen for a child when every surface, every drawer and closet is filled with stuff? So many choices and so much stimuli rob them of time and attention.” (Kim Jon Payne, Simplicity Parenting)

Simplify your home and schedule; ask yourself what is most important to you and your family. Figure out which items and activities bring your children the most joy, and get rid of the rest. Scrutinize everything you bring into your home and schedule to safeguard the unstructured time that is needed to ponder and reflect.

Is This Real-Life?

Unfortunately, too many children in America are bored at school, especially boys. (here and here) The creativity and effort they exert to get out of their lessons is  impressive. Instead of pulling out bribes and coercive techniques, we should be asking ourselves why school is not maintaining their interest. Why are children so disinterested in their lessons? 

To answer this we need to revisit Charlotte Mason’s foundational principle: children are born persons. Just like adults, children’s questions and desire to learn originate from real-life experiences. Artificial learning environments, assignments, and projects  are what is damaging our child’s desire to learn. They want to help solve real problems,  be engaged in meaningful work, and practice skills in real situations. Elaborate curriculum where everything is laid out for the child, all connections made, and all projects planned, is not real life. This is not teaching your child to be self-reliant. You are not teaching them to be life-long learners. It is not how humans naturally learn. 

How do adults learn? They encounter a problem or a question that piques their interest, they read about it, then share what they’ve learned with others. If they find a solution to a problem they engage in a project to improve or invent something new.

Creating an atmosphere of learning in your home involves you, the parent, being an active, self-reliant learner. It involves you creating a scaffold for your children to grow within (weekly schedule, or time table), and, as you slowly remove the scaffold, allowing them the freedom to follow their interests, choose books to read, and organize their own projects based on real-life problems. Learning is not something that is done to us; it is something we are constantly doing every moment of our lives. The most important change you can make in the atmosphere of your home is to be an example of life-long learning.

  1. Be curious and ask questions.
  2. Seek answers from books, people, and your own experiments.
  3. Narrate and record what you learn.
  4. Finally, apply what you’ve learned to real-life situations. 

“When we say that ‘education is an atmosphere,’ we do not mean that a child should be isolated in what may be called a ‘child-environment’ especially adapted and prepared, but that we should take into account the educational value of his natural home atmosphere, both as regards persons and things, and should let him live freely among his proper conditions. It stultifies a child to bring down his world to the child’s level.”

Charlotte Mason

ADDITIONAL LEARNING

Study

Teaching in the Savior’s Way | pg 15-16

A Philosophy of Education | Chapter 6

Your Refined Heavenly Home | David R. Callister

What Lack I Yet? | Larry R. Lawrence

What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be? | Lynn G Robbins

Good, Better, Best | Dallin H. Oaks

Be Thou an Example | Thomas S. Monson

Tongues of Angels | Jeffery R. Holland

Reproving Betimes with Sharpness | Millett and Newell

Simplicity Parenting | Chapters 1-3

Ponder

  • Which Christlike attributes do I need to develop? Is there anything I need to do to be a better example?
  • Which features of my home help create an environment where children can learn? What changes might I need to make?
  • What can members of my family do to make sure that everyone feels loved in our learning environment? 
  • What opportunities do I have to teach from real life? What can I do to ensure that I am always ready to take advantage of such moments?

Apply

  • Simplify your home and schedule. Read this post on how to simplify your toys and playroom.
  • Write a family mission statement.
  • Create spaces in your home where children can learn and play. Read the home tours below for inspiration:
    Smith Home
    Gardner Home

 

HOW TO WRITE A FAMILY MISSION STATEMENT

  1. Gather family members together and decide your core values. There are a couple ways to do this:
    • Brainstorm words you want to describe the family; e.g. kind, helpful, fun, righteous, silly.
    • Ask  each member what they want from the family, or to describe their idea of a perfect home; e.g. “I want to always feel loved” or “I want a family that can laugh and have fun.”
    • Who are your children’s heroes from scriptures or history? Pick some attributes that you admire.
    • Read Moroni 7:45 and pick charitable characteristics you want your family to have.
  2. Write down the words or phrases that your family comes up with. Pick a few that are the most important to your family.
  3. Charlotte Mason has said that children need to know four things: who they are (I am), what they expected to do (I ought), what they are capable of (I can), and what they will choose to do (I will). Use this as a guide to write your family mission statement. Remember to keep it simple and powerful.
  4. Here is an example of my family mission statement:

“We are children of Heavenly Parents who love us. We were made to be curious and have joy! We ought to be kind and love one another. We ought to keep the commandments of God. We can do all things through Christ, and we can choose to be happy no matter what our circumstances may be. We will choose to follow Christ. we will look for the good in ourselves and in others. We will seek learning by study and also by faith.”

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The Teacher’s Role

THE TEACHER'S ROLE

“Such a doctrine as the Herbartian [traditional education], that the mind is a receptacle, lays the stress of education, the preparation of food in enticing morsels, duly ordered, upon the teacher. Children taught on this principle are in danger of receiving much teaching but little knowledge;” 

Charlotte Mason

The Truth of All Things

When Charlotte Mason was a young woman, she took a trip to Italy to be inspired by the art and history that is so abundant there.  She stood in the Spanish Chapel connected to the Santa Maria Novella and gazed at a fresco that had completely captured her attention. The fresco depicts God and his angels in heaven with inspirational men on earth below. There is a division between them, and in that division lies the Holy Spirit; the connection between God and man. Ms. Mason noticed that the Holy Spirit was bestowing knowledge from God to the seven figures representing the natural sciences: grammar, rhetoric, logic, music, art, astronomy, geometry, and arithmetic. While she studied this fresco, she had an amazing epiphany; an epiphany that would later be considered her greatest contribution to philosophy and education. This is what she says of her revelation that day:

“The Florentine mind… believed, not only that the seven Liberal Arts were fully under the direct outpouring of the Holy Ghost, but that every fruitful idea, every original conception, whether in Euclid, or grammar, or music, was a direct inspiration from the Holy Spirit, without any thought at all as to whether the person so inspired named himself by the name of God, or recognised whence his inspiration came.” ( v. 2, p. 271)

Heavenly Father has promised us that “And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.”  He uses the same term in Doctrine & Covenants: 

“And I give unto you a commandment that you shall teach one another the doctrine of the kingdom. Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend you, that you may be instructed more perfectly in theory, in principle, in doctrine, in the law of the gospel, in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God, that are expedient for you to understand;”

He expounds on “all things” by saying, 

“Of things both in heaven and in the earth, and under the earth; things which have been, things which are, things which must shortly come to pass; things which are at home, things which are abroad; the wars and the perplexities of the nations, and the judgments which are on the land; and a knowledge also of countries and of kingdoms.” (Moroni 10:5 also John 14:26)

Astronomy, geology, biology, mathematics, the liberal arts, geography, history, politics, history, current news, and international affairs are considered “doctrine of the kingdom.” Heavenly Father commanded us to teach one another these things, and promised that the Holy Ghost will help us understand them and know they are true.

It may take some time to fully comprehend the magnitude of this principle because it is completely counter to what our culture. Charlotte Mason observed, “Many Christian people rise a little higher; they conceive that even grammar and arithmetic may in some not very clear way be used for God; but the great recognition, that God the Holy Spirit is Himself, personally, the Imparter of knowledge, the Instructor of youth, the Inspirer of genius, is a conception so far lost to us that we should think it distinctly irreverent to conceive of the divine teaching as co-operating with ours in a child’s arithmetic lesson, for example.” (v. 2, p. 270-271)

The Holy Ghost

“We allow no separation to grow up between the intellectual and ‘spiritual’ life of children, but teach them that the Divine Spirit has constant access to their spirits, and is their Continual Helper in all the interests, duties and joys of life.” (Charlotte Mason)

You may believe that as your child’s teacher, any information they encounter, any skill they master, or any knowledge they solidify is because you gave it to them, corrected them, and tested them. The fundamental belief in traditional education is that whether the child succeeds or not is determined by the teacher. In other words, we consider ourselves the “Showman of the Universe,” as Charlotte Mason so appropriately expressed. 

When I started teaching my oldest child I viewed myself as the sole presenter of knowledge. I was exhausted trying to execute elaborate lectures and activities, and discouraged when my son was not interested or engaged in what I was teaching. Then I read about Charlotte Mason’s revelation of the Holy Spirit, and in that moment of realization, a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders; I realized my role was not to know all things and implant it into my child. I am a fellow student, and my role is a mentor and guide. My children and I are learning from the true showman of the universe: the Holy Spirit.

In her article, On Questions and Questioning, Emily Kiser explains that “The result [of this principle] is a different perspective of the student and teacher relationship than what we have commonly experienced in our own educational settings. She [Charlotte Mason] placed confidence in the inborn desire and ability of the learner, and this altered the teacher’s role as a consequence. Instead of instructor and instructed as we have known, she believed it is not the teacher’s place to impart knowledge, impose knowledge, or impress knowledge upon the student from without. Rather, the teacher is the humble guide or presenter of ideas to the naturally inquisitive appetite of the learner. The student grapples with the living book and the student tells what he knows. Both teacher and student are persons equal in power to self-educate.”

A personal experience helped me understand this principle more fully and cement it in my mind. After a particularly frustrating incident with my son, I sat pondering how I could make him realize what he did was wrong. How I could help him understand the disconnect between his actions and what I taught him? Maybe a better lecture or asking more questions? Then it hit me: helping my son feel guilt and see the disconnect was not my responsibility. The Spirit knows my child better than I do. He knows how my son learns best and when his heart is open to learning. My responsibility is to present doctrine through stories and my example. The Spirit is the only being capable of reminding my son of truth and changing his heart when he is unreachable for me. But that truth needs to be placed in my son’s mind before he can be reminded of it. This is the role of the parent and teacher: to present the great ideas through books, experiences, and example. Jesus gave us two simple commandments, and both are vital to teaching children: love one another and feed my sheep.

Meeting Mountains

“Great things are done when men and mountain meet: This is not done by jostling in the street.” (William Blake)

When you feed your children ideas,  remember that “you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.” Blake said it more eloquently though; we need to do away with jostling our children while they try to grapple with mountains. We simply need to introduce our children to great ideas and let them climb. I know from experience that children have the power to do so, if we will only give them the chance. 

 Ms. Mason expounded on this by saying “We come across books on teaching, with lessons elaborately drawn up, in which certain work is assigned to the perceptive faculties, certain work to the imagination, to the judgment, and so on… this sort of doctoring of the material of knowledge is unnecessary for the healthy child, whose mind is capable of self-direction, and of applying itself to its proper work upon the parcel of knowledge delivered to it.” (v. 1,  p. 172)

Lesson preparation can be as simple as this: “The teacher’s part is, in the first place, to see what is to be done, to look over the work of the day in advance and see what mental discipline, as well as what vital knowledge, this and that lesson afford; and then to set such questions and such tasks as shall give full scope to his pupils’ mental activity.” (v. 6, p. 180-181) Once you have planned a basic idea of subjects, you need to refrain from too much talking, explaining, and questioning. When you quietly close the book after reading the Spirit can now start teaching. As ideas flow through your child’s mind they will most likely start talking. Listen intently to what they say and you will get a glimpse into what they are being taught.

In the Same Hour

The teacher’s role is similar to the students in that they need to be listening to what the Spirit teaches. Elder Bednar said in a training to CES teachers that the Spirit is always with you; instead of asking yourself “how can I invite the Spirit?”, he suggests asking  “how am I driving the Spirit away?”

One major way that we make it difficult to hear promptings is by overscheduling each school day. Scripted, detailed curriculum and rigid schedules make it difficult to hear the promptings of the Spirit because you are so focused on checking off boxes that you ignore promptings that deviate from “the plan.” You are so focused on mastering the learning objectives that your child is not free to learn what he personally needs at that moment. It is very difficult to plan for experiences that have not happened yet. When you are in the teaching moment and listen to your child you will know which questions to ask and what to invite them to do. Planning lessons months in advance or using a curriculum created by someone who doesn’t know your children will only result in teaching moments that feel stiff and artificial. 

Russel M Nelson said in a General Conference address, we need “women who know how to call upon the powers of heaven to protect and strengthen children and families; women who teach fearlessly… do you realize the breadth and scope of your influence when you speak those things that come to your heart and mind as directed by the Spirit?”

When we receive revelation it is usually in the moment that we need it. Like Nephi retrieving the plates, you will have an overall goal in mind, but you don’t know exactly how it will play until you are in the moment. When you are in the place and time you will be given the details. The Lord promised you that “the Holy Ghost shall teach you in the same hour what ye ought to say.” (Luke 12:12) Another experience we can learn from is when Nephi built the boat; he was not given the complete blueprint at the beginning; the plans were given “time to time” and not after the manner of men, but after the manner of God. When educating your children in partnership with God you will not be given the complete blueprints at the beginning of the year; you have an overall goal and the details will be given on a day-today basis. 

This style of teaching requires a lot of faith, but I know from experience that it works and God is waiting to pour out His knowledge to you. Planning too far in advance or becoming a slave to curriculums is the result of fear, not faith. Fear that you won’t receive revelation, fear that you must educate your children on your own, fear that you will fail. To become a master teacher, you must let go of that fear and have faith in your ability and your children’s ability to receive inspiration. 

Masterly Inactivity

Our society is full of overly-anxious parents and teachers. Fear and anxiety permeate how we interact with children, and it is greatly affecting their ability to learn. Edwin Friedman first coined the term “non-anxious presence” to describe an important skill that parents and teachers need to develop. Long before Friedman coined the term, Charlotte Mason called it “masterly inactivity.”  She described it as “the power to act, the desire to act, and the insight and self-restraint which forbid action.” ( v. 3,  p.28)

The underlying truth is that people (especially children) learn best when those around them are calm and collected. Christ was the perfect example of a non-anxious presence; when those around him were feeling strong emotions, such as fear, hatred, or anger he maintained a countenance of love and acceptance. He did not constantly correct people when they made mistakes; instead, he taught correct principles and let people govern themselves. More than anything else, parents need to learn to let their children act instead of always acting upon them. The consequences of an anxious parent are an anxious child who resents their parent and dreads school. Our job is not to stop them from making mistakes; our role is to teach, counsel, and comfort. 

At this point, you may be asking “how do I teach my children without bribing, coercing, testing, and lecturing?” Once again, Charlotte Mason has the answer: “We are limited to three educational instruments–the atmosphere of environment, the discipline of habit, and the presentation of living ideas.” In other words, children learn from your example and real-life experiences, and you educate children by providing living ideas in the form of books and real objects.  I will cover those three instruments in the next sections of this series.

“When we are filled with the Holy Ghost and we let it guide us as we teach others, it spreads from us to our students like the fire spreads across a dry hillside.”

Theo McKean

ADDITIONAL LEARNING

Ponder

What can I do to be more receptive to spiritual guidance each day?

How can I let the Spirit guide my teaching?

What can I do to make sure I heed the Spirit’s promptings as I am teaching?

What is preventing me from following promptings I receive?

How can I invite the Spirit into all subjects?

What am I doing to drive the Spirit away?

Apply

Pray to know the needs of children and write down your impressions.

Write down the main goals and principles for your family’s education.

Follow the guidance of the Spirit as you teach daily lessons.

Record the impressions you have and the questions your children ask.

additional information

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Agency

AGENCY

“One thing at any rate we know with certainty; that no teaching, no information becomes knowledge to any of us until the individual mind has acted upon it, translated it, transformed, absorbed it; to reappear, like our bodily food, in forms of vitality. Therefore, teaching, talk, and tale, however lucid or fascinating, affect nothing until self-activity be set up; that is, self-education is the only possible education; the rest is mere veneer laid on the surface of a child’s nature.”

Charlotte Mason

Before I was a mother I had visions of  feeding  my children nutritious meals for their bodies and curating elaborate lesson plans for their minds. Little did I know that agency would shatter all my hopes and dreams: I couldn’t force my children to enjoy foods they weren’t craving and I couldn’t force them to internalize information they didn’t desire to know. I suspect I’m not the only parent who has occasionally felt that agency was more of a curse than a gift, but if we want to truly become a master teacher we need to understand and work with agency, not against it.

Everything we do is deeply rooted in the principle of agency, especially education.  Knowledge first comes from a desire to know, or a question posed by the mind itself. When your mind is open to learning, you have experienced something in your life that sparks a question. You desire an answer to that question. You seek learning by study and by faith, and when you find the answer you apply it and therefore remember. It has become knowledge. This is the only way people truly learn truth.

Bribery and coercion from a parent/teacher may seem effective, but they are only short-term solutions. They only create a desire for a reward or to avoid a negative consequence, they do not create a genuine desire for knowledge. The child is not truly utilizing their agency; they are not motivated by a desire to learn. Russell M. Nelson stated this of the important role that desire plays in education:  “I believe that in the pursuit of education, individual desire is more influential than institution.”   (Where is Wisdom? October 1992

REMEMBER: You cannot make your children do something against their will. You cannot make them want something they do not want. You cannot make them learn something they do not want to learn. 

Agency is not just a religious concept, it is a truth proven by modern research. When people feel they have control over a situation they are less stressed, and therefore happier. (see The Self-Driven Child). Developing our children’s sense of agency is not an educational frill  or some new-age idea. Children who doubt their competence set low goals and choose easy tasks. When they face problems they lose concentration and start doubting themselves. Children with a strong belief in their own agency work harder, focus better, are more interested in their studies, and are less likely to give up  than children with a weaker sense of agency (Skinner, Zimmer, Gembeck, and Connell. Individual Differences And The Development Of Perceived Control). This is because agency is based on the idea of strengthening a person’s will, not breaking it. 

The Way of the Will

“There is a power within you, your own will, which will enable you to turn your attention from thoughts that make you unhappy and wrong, to thoughts that make you happy and right. And this is the exceedingly simple way in which the will acts; this is the sole secret of the power over himself which the strong man wields.” (Charlotte Mason, Volume 1, 326)

When you think of a “strong-willed” child, what do you imagine? Maybe a toddler throwing a tantrum or a rebellious teenager. Interestingly, what you are actually envisioning is a weak-willed child. Mason said “this apparent determination to go in one way and no other, which is called willfulness and mistaken for an exercise of will. Whereas the determination is only apparent; the child is, in fact, hurried along without resistance, because that opposing force which should give balance to his character is undeveloped and untrained (v. 1, p. 321) So, what is the will? I love the way Mason describes the will as “ the controller of the passions and emotions, the director of the desires, the ruler of the appetite… character is the result of conduct regulated by will.”( v. 1,  p. 319)

Counter-will

A child who throws tantrums or rebels against their parents is  at the mercy of their emotions and appetites. Their will has not been developed enough to self-regulate. This determination or rebellion against authority is also called counter-will. 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld describes counter-will as “ an instinctive, automatic resistance to any sense of being forced. It is triggered whenever a person feels controlled or pressured to do someone else’s bidding.” (Hold on to Your Kids, p. 74) When you understand this truth, your child’s behavior and resistance to school may not be so mysterious after all. 

Counter-will is manifested in a variety of ways: ‘no!’ from a toddler, ‘your not my boss’ from a young child, or body language from a teenager. At any age it can come out as disobedience or defiance, passivity or procrastination, or doing the opposite of what is expected. Counter-will is a natural part of development, but it will come out more often if the relationship between parent and child is strained and the parent is attempting to control too much of the child’s life. We cannot expect our children to be obedient if they are not attached to us, and a strong will is required for the child to alter his own behavior to adhere to our demands. Charlotte Mason observes that “Obedience is valuable only in so far as it helps the child work towards making himself do that which he knows he is asked to do. Every effort of obedience which does not give him a sense of conquest over his own inclinations, helps to enslave him, and he will resent the loss of his liberty by running into license when he can… it is his own will that is compelling him, and not yours… Let him get into the habit of managing himself, controlling himself.” (v. 1, p. 328)

Thy Will Be Done

A strong will, or the ability to self-regulate is essential for a happy, successful life, and it is up to the parents to teach this skill. Dr. Morrell, author of Introduction to Mental Philosophy, considered it to be the most important part of education; “The education of the will is really of far greater importance, as shaping the destiny of the individual, than that of the intellect.” If there is one Christlike attribute we should be teaching our children it is to be strong-willed. 

Now that we understand what the will is and why it is important, how do we help our children develop a strong will? Current research on the developing brain tells us that the prefrontal cortex–responsible for self-regulation–is very sensitive to stress. When a child lives in constant, toxic stress their brain is negatively affected, making it harder to self-regulate and make smart decisions. Creating a loving, positive environment is the first duty of parents. Your child may be impulsive and mischievous right now, but nurturing your attachment and staying positive is laying the foundation for self-regulation in the future.

In her sixth volume of education, A Philosophy of Education, Charlotte Mason instructs parents how they can teach their children to strengthen their will.

“Children should be taught (a) to distinguish between ‘I want’ and ‘I will.’ (b) that the way to will effectively is to turn our thoughts away from that which we desire but do not will. (c) that the best way to turn our thoughts is to think of or do some quite different thing, entertaining or interesting. (d) that after a little rest in this way, the will returns to its wok with new vigour.”

Teach your child to immediately think of something interesting, exciting, or entertaining when they want to do something they know they should not.

Choice and Accountability

I have tried this technique with my own boys and it does work, as long as the thought is something they find interesting and they are getting close to the age of accountability. Most children start to show glimmers of self-regulation starting around six years old, and by nine it should be full-functional, thought not fully developed. I believe this is why a wise, loving Heavenly Father does not hold children accountable for their “sins” until they are eight years old. It is wise to start teaching your child how to strengthen their will and give them a chance to feel the consequences of their choices at a young age, but do not expect immediate results. The more your child exercises the skill of decision making and learning from their mistakes, the better they will become at it. So give them opportunities to make their own decisions, even if you know they will fail (see The Self-Driven Child). Ask them questions to see the flaws in their thinking; suggest and assist them in outlining the pros and cons of each choice. 

You cannot–nor should you try– to control your child’s behavior. Obvious exceptions are if the child is putting themselves (or others) in danger. Instead, you should give your child the tools to strengthen their own will and manage themselves. The purpose of parenting should be to strengthen and direct your child’s will, not break it. Success in higher education and self-education relies on the principles of sense of agency and a strong will. 

Self-Education

As a parent, you worry that you won’t teach your children enough. You worry there will be gaps in their education. But you can’t possibly teach them everything there is to know in the first eighteen years of  life. The most debilitating learning gap is a lack of desire. The most important skill you can teach your child is how to learn and to find joy in it. If you can teach your children how to ask questions, seek answers by study and by faith, and to apply knowledge you’ve taken care of any gaps they will have in the future. The first eighteen years of education should be the spark that ignites a voracious life of learning. 

How can you balance self-education with structured lessons? Here are a few simple ways to step back and allow your children to learn on their own:

  • Remind yourself what you have control over. You control what is presented in lessons and when they are given. Children are responsible for if they retain information and how much. The next section, “Teacher’s Role” will go into more detail in this area.
  • Let your child make mistakes and learn from books. “Moralizing all men resent; from experience they learn without a murmur.” (Edward St. John) When you share stories from your life or books, avoid lecturing, over-explaining, or moralizing. Let the characters’ actions speak for themselves and give your child the joy of discovering truth on their own. When your child encounters a problem, help them find the answer. Embrace natural consequences and allow your child the blessings and knowledge that come from making a choice (whether good or bad). Do not rob them of something they have earned.
  • Let the children play! Play is when children experiment, practice, rehearse, and learn. Daily lessons put ideas into a child, play draws them out. Allow children plenty of time to play and engage in self-chosen projects. Charlotte Mason recommends the whole afternoon (5 hours)  be dedicated to unstructured time for this purpose.
  • Allow time to ponder. Just like our bodies need time to digest food, our minds need time to digest information. Rich dialogue, plots, and questions need a lot of time to comprehend. Read the book or do the activity then allow time for your children to ponder what he has learned. “When we ponder, we invite revelation by the Spirit. Pondering, to me, is the thinking and the praying I do after reading and studying in the scriptures carefully” (“Serve with the Spirit,” Ensign or Liahona, Nov. 2010, 60).

“In the grand division of all of God’s creations, there are things to act and things to be acted upon. As sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father, we have been blessed with the gift of agency—the capacity and power of independent action. Endowed with agency, we are agents, and we primarily are to act and not only to be acted upon…”

David A. Bednar

ADDITIONAL LEARNING

Study

*Teaching in the Savior’s Way | part 4 (read scriptural examples as well)

*Seek Learning By Faith  | David A. Bednar

*Where is Wisdom? | Russell M. Nelson

A Philosophy of Education |  Book 1 Chapters 1 and 8

Home Education | Part VI

The Self-Driven Child | Intro + Chapters 1, 3, 5, 6 

D&C 3:4

D&C 58:27

Alma 12:31

Alma 42:7

3 Nephi 27:13

Ponder

How can I change my teaching methods to let my children discover truth on their own?

Which activities I need to give up to allow my child a few hours each day of unstructured time?

How can I strengthen my child’s will instead of breaking it?

Why is agency a principle of education?

How did Jesus nurture agency and self-education in the people he taught?

Apply

Develop the habit of ending a lesson without speaking, lecturing, or explaining. Instead, listen to your child’s observations, questions, and explanations (i.e. narration)

Critically look at your curriculum: does it have worksheets, multiple-choice quizzes, and projects assembled by the teacher? Replace these methods with narration, open-ended questions, and projects chosen by your child.

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SELF-EDUCATION

SELF-EDUCATION

“One thing at any rate we know with certainty; that no teaching, no information becomes knowledge to any of us until the individual mind has acted upon it, translated it, transformed, absorbed it, to reappear, like our bodily food, in forms of vitality. Therefore, teaching, talk and tale, however lucid or fascinating, affect nothing until self-activity be set up; that is, self-education is the only possible education; the rest is mere veneer laid on the surface of a child’s nature.”

CHARLOTTE MASON

THE GIFT OF AGENCY

When I was a young mother I imagined whipping up nutritious meals that my children would devour. I envisioned them cleaning their plates and growing healthy and strong with all the nutrients they were receiving. 

Then my dreams were shattered with my first child when he refused to eat anything other than bread and yogurt. I attempted to bribe him with dessert, then  resorted to negative consequences in one last, desperate attempt to regain control over the situation. However, I soon realized that if my child did not want to eat a certain food, nothing in the world could make him eat it. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink” became my new mantra. 

 

In situations like this parents may feel that the “gift” of agency is more like a curse. We constantly stress ourselves out trying to take control of things that were never meant to be in our control. In regards to mealtime, I soon learned that I am in control of what is put on the table and when, and my child has control over if he eats and how much (attr. to Ellen Satter) I started focusing on my responsibilities instead of my child’s. Is it a coincidence that my two younger sons became hearty, adventurous eaters? I don’t think so. It is a universal truth that when any person, adult or child, is given control over their life , they thrive. 

Control Equals Happiness

Developing our children’s sense of agency is not an educational frill  or some new-age idea. Children who doubt their competence set low goals and choose easy tasks. When they face problems, they become confused, lose concentration, and start doubting themselves. Children with a strong belief in their own agency work harder, focus better, are more interested in their studies, and are less likely to give up  than children with a weaker sense of agency (1)

Agency is a main component in the Plan of Salvation, so is it any surprise that agency is also the determining factor in human happiness and well-being? Not surprisingly, the opposite of agency, lack of control, is a significant cause of stress and unhappiness. When I attempted to force my son to eat food he did not want to eat, I was causing stress on both of us; I was stressed because I was trying to take control over something that I physically and morally had no control over, and he was stressed because he did not feel like he had control over his own body. Part of life on earth involves taking responsibility of what we have control over and letting go of what we don’t. If our children choose to listen to our lessons and how much of that they choose to internalize is completely in their control, and school will become immensely more enjoyable for you both when you learn to apply this eternal truth.

Choose to ACT

In regards to education, parents may feel undue stress because they are trying to control which subjects their child is interested in and how much information they retain. As a result, children will rebel—or concede and lose an important part of their humanness. David A. Bednar explains the importance of agency by saying, “Learning by faith and from experience are two of the central features of the Father’s plan of happiness. The Savior preserved moral agency through the Atonement and made it possible for us to act and to learn by faith. Lucifer’s rebellion against the plan sought to destroy the agency of man, and his intent was that we as learners would only be acted upon.” (3)

Traditional education puts the majority of control on the teacher and not the student.  In the future, I will talk more about the role of the teacher and how to be a non-anxious presence, or in Charlotte Mason terms engaging in “masterly inactivity.” Masterly inactivity “indicates the power to act, the desire to act, and the insight and self-restraint which forbid action.”(4)

Children should be slowly given complete control over their life as they mature; ultimately, the parents goal is to work themselves out of a job. In their book, Rapid Relief from Emotional Distress by Gary Emery and James Campbell, they outline three ways parents can find relief by relinquishing control:

  • ACCEPT | accept that your child doesn’t desire to have perfect handwriting right now, and as a result he may never have perfect handwriting. 
  • CHOOSE | choose to give him control over his  handwriting goals. Choose to not stress over his lack of desire. 
  • TAKE ACTION | talk to him about the pros and cons of good handwriting; help him outline his goals; Be an example by improving  your own handwriting.

SETTING A FEAST

Although it may seem like the teacher has little influence over children, it is important not to confuse Charlotte Mason’s philosophy with unschooling or free-range parenting. Charlotte Mason believed that teachers and parents have a vital role in the education of children; she described the teacher’s role as “setting the feast” of subjects and ideas, and letting the child’s brain digest what it craves and needs at that particular stage.

As soon as I heard this analogy I immediately thought of a study I read about in college. In 1926, Clara Davis conducted a study that would be one of the most influential studies on infants and nutrition ever conducted. Davis took orphans that were brought into a Cleveland hospital–many of them malnourished and some with rickets– and gave them complete control over what they ate. She provided a feast of 34 whole foods, from cod liver oil to oranges to ground liver, and let the infants/toddlers choose what they ate every day for six months. She recorded every food and amount they ate on a daily basis. What she found astonished even herself. The infants who had rickets would gulp cod liver oil with their meals until their rickets were cured, then never touched the oil again. One baby ate 2 pounds of oranges for a few days straight, along with a few other food items. When her  analysis was complete she found that overall the babies ate a near perfect ratio of calories averaged at 17 %  protein, 35 % fat, and 48 % carbohydrates — much in line with contemporary nutritional science. The infants  also intuitively knew which nutrients they were lacking and ate foods to compensate, like the infants with rickets drinking vitamin D-rich liver oil. (5)

Food for Thought

I truly believe that this study on physical nutrition is applicable to mind-food as well. If we are providing our children with an abundant feast of wholesome ideas, they will choose certain ones to chew and digest based on their intellectual needs. This principle applies to spiritual matters as well, David A. Bednar said it perfectly; “Ultimately, the responsibility to learn by faith and apply spiritual truth rests upon each of us individually. This is an increasingly serious and important responsibility in the world in which we do now and will yet live. What, how, and when we learn is supported by—but is not dependent upon—an instructor, a method of presentation, or a specific topic or lesson format.”

The ultimate goal in education should be to teach our children to be self-directed, life-long learners. They should know how to gain knowledge through the process of asking a question, finding answers through studying books and experimenting with things, and then having the intelligence to know how to assimilate and apply the knowledge they have learned. Traditional education creates dependent learners through textbooks, classrooms, and professional teachers. Too often adults believe they need to “go back to school” in order to learn and that knowledge isn’t official until they have a certificate to prove they checked the boxes. They need a professor to provide them with lectures, compile primary sources into textbooks, and tell them what is important to learn. Instead, education should be focused on the process of learning and less on the material. A true education teachings people to act, and not be acted upon.

Predigested Information

Going back to the analogy of food, we don’t pre-chew our child’s food (at least not past infancy). We don’t process and extract the vital nutrients of all their food so they don’t have to go through the work of digesting. We don’t give children potent doses of multivitamins as a replacement for real food. When we read primary sources, or whole ideas, and then pre-chew them for our children we are giving them nothing to chew on and essentially giving them potent sources of unappetizing mind food. Children need whole food for the mind. They need to work on the rich ideas they receive by filtering through what is important, making connections, and finding answers to questions. By over-explaining, lecturing, dissecting, and dumbing down information we are essentially doing the important work for our children and creating passive learners with weak constitutions.

Here are a few ways that we inadvertently create passive learners in our children :

 
  1. Asking all the questions. Instead, let the child ask questions about things that have piqued their interest. “The mind can know nothing but what it can produce in the form of an answer to a question put by the mind to itself.”(6)
  2. Asking pointed questions. Instead, ask open-ended, thought provoking questions that require effort and time to answer. 
  3. Automatically giving the answer, or pointing out connections. Too often we jump in to point out a connection/pattern or “help” them discover a truth. But, sometimes an unanswered question is the best gift you can give a child. (See “Ponder” section)
  4. Solving a child’s problem for them. Give them the right tools/skills and let them solve the problem themselves. Even if it takes days to solve; it’s the effort that is educational, not the answer. 
  5. Giving unsolicited feedback. By telling your child what they are doing wrong and how they need to fix it we are 1) hurting the relationship and 2) smothering their ability to self-correct and actively improve their own work. Instead, ask “what did you do well?” “what do you need to improve?” and, “what will you do differently next time?” Make sure they know what is expected of them, and that they give specific examples of what they think they did well and what they did not. 
  6. Labeling a character in a story as “bad” or “good.” Children are much more captivated by a story and get more out of it when they have  analyze the characters’ actions to decide for themselves what kind of a person they are.
  7. Automatically defining words. Instead, wait for the child to ask for a definition or simply let them figure out the meaning of the word through context. Most good authors will provide enough description for the child to comprehend the word’s meaning.

DESIRE

“I believe that in the pursuit of education, individual desire is more influential than institution, and personal faith more forceful than faculty. Our Creator expects His children everywhere to educate themselves. He issued a commandment: “Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.” (7)

Charlotte Mason regularly compared educational principles to gastronomical ones, which explains why I found it so successful to approach education in the same way I approached meal times. For example, my first year of teaching my son, I tried to give him knowledge he wasn’t craving. I fed him ideas when he wasn’t hungry. I tried to force his brain to digest certain information that I deemed most important by administering worksheets and tests. And just like with feeding his body, this method of feeding his mind was a failure. After a discouraging kindergarten year, I began to concern myself over the things I do have control over: what knowledge is presented and when I introduced it. Then, I stepped back and let my son choose if he wanted to listen and how much he retained. The key to whether my child listened and how much he “digested” is based on his hunger, or desire.

In terms of desire, parents need to keep these two facts in mind:

You can’t make your kids do something against their will.
You can’t make your kids want something they don’t want.

There is only one way to get your children to do something, and that is to arouse desire within them.
“He who can [arouse desire in others]  has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”(8) For children–or any person for that matter–to become self-motivated they first need to develop a desire to do it. According to Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory (9), people need a sense of autonomy, competence and connection to become self-motivated. These three things need to be balanced, like a three-legged stool, or the whole thing will topple over. 

Autonomy

Explain why a task is important, what you expect of them, and then allow as much personal freedom in carrying out the task. French parents call this “cadre.” They give their children a broad framework of requirements and then give them lots of freedom within that structure. 

Make a list of the positive and negative consequences of their choice, and then respect their agency and allow them to make their choice and enjoy the consequences of their choice (see chapter seven of Christlike Parenting). Teens and children as young as nine are capable of making decisions that are identical to adults; even more so if they are shown the consequences of their choice. (10)  Kids are capable of making good decisions; the reason they sometimes fall short is lack of experience, not ability. 

William Winter once observed that “Self expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” Dale Carnegie also observed that self-expression is essential when igniting a geniune desire in people. Help your child incorporate their interests in learning academic skills, like math, reading, and writing. The sentences they use in copywork or grammar can be from a favorite book or movie. They can make a manual about how to defeat levels in Zelda, an essay about their favorite Disney princess, or the different flowers they have found in their area. 

Competence

Being competent is more about feeling that we can handle a situation than it is about excelling at something. Competence comes from within, not from without. When your child successfully solves a problem ask “how did you figure that out?” This requires your child to see himself as the active agent in his own story and see the evidence of his own competence. Helping your children notice their successes and showing them how their decisions and strategic actions are responsible for them increases children’s perceptions of their ability and effect is less of their focused efforts” (11).
The desire for a feeling of importance. You can foster self-esteem by saying “I bet you’re proud of yourself” after a child has completed  a task or mastered a skill. This satisfies the internal desire for importance and does not rely on external sources. You can also ask “how does it feel to have solved that difficult math problem, read the entire book, written something like that, etc.?” 
Rites of passage, positions in the home, and responsibilities are all ways you can ignite a desire in otherwise apathetic learners. For example, you could make “tutor” badges for the older kids in subjects they are competent in. Then they can help younger siblings with school work (tutors have special privileges, of course). You could also plan a special dinner date with mom and dad on the child’s sixth birthday, explaining that now they are old enough to start school lessons. 
Create growth mindset. To create a growth mindset, focus on effort instead of ability. Praise the strategies they use to solve problems, help them see the progress they have made. A feeling of competence comes when a child can see improvements through daily, consistent effort. It does not come by feeling they either have or don’t have in-born abilities. If your child needs a boost of desire, give them a challenge. Every child loves a game, especially boys. Just make sure they are competing against themselves. See if they can sort their words faster than last time, make their handwriting look better than the day before, etc. 

Connection

When your child has a strong attachment with you they’ll want to work harder for you. Your child should feel that they are more important to you than their achievements. I have already covered, in-depth, why connection is important and how you can nurture your relationship with your child. You can read about Love and Attachment in this article and this article.

Autonomy, competence, and connection are vital  to eternal progression; the Lord has said  “For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.” (12) Charlotte Mason has also commented on the importance of these traits by saying, “Boys and Girls are generally Dutiful-It would be better for boys and girls to suffer the consequences of not doing their work, now and then, than to do it because they are so urged and prodded on all hands that they have no volition in the matter. The more we are prodded the lazier we get, and the less capable of the effort of will which should carry us to, and nearly carry us through, our tasks. Boys and girls are, on the whole, good, and desirous to do their duty. If we expect the tale of bricks to be delivered at the due moment without urging or entreating, rewarding or punishing, in nine cases out of ten we shall get what we look for. Where many of us err is in leaning too much to our own understanding and our own efforts, and not trusting sufficiently to the dutiful impulse which will carry children through the work they are expected to do.” (13)

In my experience I have found there are two main ways we can foster self-education in our children: give children space to learn by experience and lots of time to ponder.

LEARN BY EXPERIENCE

“We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell; And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;”

 

When you first read these verses your initial thought may be that we came to earth to be proved or tested, but once you replace “prove” with its  archaic translation  of  “learn by experience” you understand the purpose of earth differently. The purpose on earth is to learn by trial and error; to make choices and experience the consequences. Our children cannot possibly do this if we take complete control over their lives and prevent them from making mistakes, and they cannot learn if we rob them of the consequences that are due to them. This can be absolutely terrifying for parents, and seem borderline neglectful. However, it is important to remember what we do have control over: the atmosphere of our home, the habits we instill, and the living ideas we present. 

Stages of Competence

As I mentioned earlier, children as young as nine are capable of making responsible decisions. After the age of eight, children are held accountable for their choices, and we also know that the prefrontal cortex starts developing around this age as well. Therefore, it makes sense that children are developmentally capable of making decisions at this age. This is the time to start relinquishing parental control and giving them more decisions over their lives. I can guarantee that this will be a messy, difficult process. It will be hard to watch, but it helps to realize that people go through stages of competence. Here is an example of the stages of learning by experience:

Stage 1: Unconsciously incompetent. This will look like a child saying “I don’t want to study spelling. People know what I mean.” You can see the consequence dead ahead, but after you have offered to help with spelling and explain the consequences of bad spelling, there is nothing else you can or should do. 

Stage 2:  Consciously incompetent. Your child wants to make a sign to sell lemonade on your street. He made the sign by himself but misspelled some key words. Adults may just smile and purchase some lemonade, but older kids may laugh at his sign and tease him that they can’t understand what he is selling. He is now conscious of his incompetence, although he still needs help. The key is that he has experienced the consequence and a desire is starting to develop. It is important to remember to let his consequence do the talking; you don’t need to rub it in his face!

Stage 3: Consciously competent. Now the child has worked on his spelling, and when he makes a sign or writes a letter he feels confident people will understand the meaning of his words. 

Stage 4: Unconsciously competent. As years pass, correct spelling becomes habitual  and the child is now a parent. Now it is hard for the father to understand why spelling is so difficult for his child, or why his child resists spelling so much. This is why an older sibling makes a great tutor to younger siblings; their previous incompetence is still fresh in their mind. 

The beauty of  giving your child more control over their life is that when it comes time for you to make an authoritative choice, they are more likely to go along with your decision without resistance. Edward St. John wisely noted, “Moralizing all men resent; from experience they learn without a murmur.”

Practice Makes Perfect

Our children  need more responsibility than we think they are developmentally ready for.  The brain develops according to how it’s used. So, by giving your child control, even if it’s small, will activate her prefrontal cortex (decision making) and condition it to respond accordingly. If we do not give children opportunities to make choices at an early age, they will be forced to learn this skill in teenagerhood and beyond when the risks are higher and consequences more severe. We were sent to earth to learn by experience, which means we learn by trial-and-error. As the age-old adage goes,  “Wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions.” Children learn by experience through making mistakes. and we need to give them room to make mistakes and let the consequences teach the lesson; Glenn Latham, a father of nine children and doctorate of behavioral and developmental psychology, gave this wise advice on how to respond to your child’s mistakes: keep your comments short and positive, avoid lecturing and the dreaded “I told you so” attitude, and never tell a child something he already knows. (15)

The Power of Play

“In this matter the child who goes too much on crutches never learns to walk; he who is most played with by his elders has little power of inventing plays for himself; and so he misses that education which comes to him when allowed to go his own way.” (16)

While at play, children are not passive bystanders. They are making decisions, creating a narrative, and being active agents in that narrative. Play is a unique activity in that it draws out a child’s ideas, desires, imagination, and aspirations. (17) Play is important for all stages of life; Google famously asked employees to spend 80% of the work week on their official job and 20% on projects of their choice, which led to the creation of products like AdWords and Gmail. When we play, we are free to practice skills in a safe environment. Children can act out past and future experiences and ideas without fear of serious repercussions. Children need a lot of unstructured time to experiment with ideas, develop passions, problem solve, and develop social skills.

When your child’s attention is completely absorbed in a task they enjoy and is just the right amount of difficulty, they enter a state of “flow.”When you’re in flow, levels of certain neurochemicals in your brain–including dopamine– spike (18).  Frequent states of flow shape your child’s brain to be more attentive and motivated. Forcing a child to work on something they don’t enjoy will not strengthen their attention skills; it will actually prevent them from developing it. Giving a child lots of time and freedom to play and engage in meaningful projects where they enter a state of flow will shape their brain and prepare them for difficult material later in their education. If your child can play with Legos for hours on end, but has a hard time sitting down for a few math problems, this isn’t an issue of attention; it is an issue of interest. Instead of focusing on the child’s assumed attention deficits, focus your efforts on making the knowledge or skill more appetizing to the child.  The child’s attention is being developed through play, so allow them plenty of uninterrupted time for it and you will reap the benefits in the schoolroom.

PONDER

Therefore, go ye unto your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye may understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow, and I come unto you again.” (19)

 

Albert Einstein spent over a year in Italy  “loafing around aimlessly” dividing his time between attending lectures and boredom. Soon after this vacation he discovered the law of relativity.  That time spent in rest was just what his mind needed to sort through information, make connections, and form new ideas. Just as our bodies require nourishment, exercise, and rest, so do our minds. When we have eaten a large, nutrient-rich meal our desire for food decreases as our body prepares to digest what we have just eaten.

India’s ancient Vedic tradition states that “rest is the basis for all activity.” Just as our body craves rest after eating and exercise, so does our mind. Interestingly, the brain has at least forty neural networks that are dedicated to a resting-state (20). The fact that so much of our brain activates when we are at rest says a lot about the importance of taking time to ponder. What constitutes a state of rest? Anytime you are not being externally stimulated in the form of tasks, socializing, electronic devices, reading a book, etc. Being at rest literally means being alone and bored, and it can be very uncomfortable for most of us because it requires our brain to go into a deep reflective mode. 

 

As difficult as this may be for our children to be bored, this is the time that the brain digests the information they have consumed and makes knowledge of it. This is the time that the brain solves problems, reflects on self, and makes connections. It is also when you consider what other people may be thinking or analyze their actions. I also believe this is the time that we can receive personal revelation. The most powerful forms of pondering are daydreaming, meditation and sleep (see chapter six of The Self-Driven Child by Stixrud and Johnson for more information on meditation and sleep).  

 

Imagine the state of your body if you were constantly eating or exercising all day long, with no breaks to rest. Now imagine the state of your child’s brain if it were constantly being stimulated by socializing with friends, being tested,  and consuming information all day long. This analogy makes the high rates of childhood depression, anxiety, and stress much more understandable. When a child loses focus during school it simply means they are full and need time to digest. We can literally see their mind preparing to digest information by entering a day-dreaming state. Sadly, too often children are punished or incorrectly diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder simply because their mind craves rest from stimulation. 

Mary Helen Immordino-Yang describes two alternating brain systems: 1) a task positive  or “looking out” system that’s activated when we’re engaged in goal-directed tasks, and 2) a task-negative or resting system that is for “looking in.”(21) School lessons are task positive and are an essential part of education. We are taking in other people’s ideas and discoveries. But too often we neglect the second brain system which is just as important as the first; the resting system involves formulating our own ideas and making our own discoveries. I cannot overstate this enough: all people need a liberal amount of unstructured time to ponder and be at rest.

In the scriptures we are frequently told to “ponder”on the things we have learned. Information does not become knowledge until the individual’s mind has had time to act on it. An essential component of education is frequently overlooked and it needs to be taken seriously. Children need time to do nothing. Give your child the gift of a few hours each day of unscheduled time to be bored and ponder, because this is when the act of self-education truly takes effect. 

FOOTNOTES

  1. Ellyn Satter, Division of Responsibility

  2.   Skinner,Zimmer, Gembeck, and Connell. (1998) Individual Differences And The Development Of Perceived Control

  3. Bednar, Seek Learning by Faith, (2006) Church Educational System Address

  4. (1896) School Education, page 28

  5. Schleindlin. (2005) “Take One More Bite For Me”: Clara Davis and the Feeding of Young Children

  6. Mason, Charlotte. (1896)  School Education. p. 181.

  7. Nelson, Russell M. Where is Wisdom?. General Conference October 1992.

  8.  Carnegie, Dale. (2009) How to Win Friends and Influence People. Simon & Schuster; Reissue edition.

  9. Deci, Ryan. (2000)  Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being.  https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/SDT/documents/2000_RyanDeci_SDT.pdf

  10. Weithorn et al., (1982) The Competency of Children and Adolescents to Make Informed Decisions.

  11. Pintrich, P. R., & Blumenfeld, P. C. (1985). Classroom experience and children’s self-perceptions of ability.

  12.  Doctrine & Covenants 58:26.

  13.  Mason, Charlotte. (1896)  School Education. p. 39-40

  14. Abraham 3:24-25

  15.  Latham, Glenn. Christlike Parenting. Gold Leaf Press (MI); First Edition edition (October 2002)

  16. Mason, Charlotte. (1896) School Education. pg 37.

  17. Macnamara, Deborah.  Rest, Play Grow, Aona Books (April 26, 2016). pg. 54.

  18. Kotler, Steven. (2014) Flow States and Creativity. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-playing-field/201402/flow-states-and-creativity

  19.  3 Nephi 17:3

  20. Shen, Helen H.(2015) Core Concept: Resting State Connectivity. PNAS. https://www.pnas.org/content/112/46/14115

  21. Immordino-Yang, Christoduolou, Singh. (2012). Rest Is Not Idleness: Implications of the Brain’s Default Mode for Human Development and Education. Sage Journals.

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Children Are Born Persons

CHILDREN ARE BORN PERSONS

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home: Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

(section from) Intimations of Immortality  by William Wordsworth

The Foundational Principle

Charlotte Mason’s first and foundational principle is that children are born persons. Everything comes back to this one principle.  In Mason’s time, many of the leading theories about children and education believed that children are born “tabula rasa” meaning blank slate. These theorists believed children have potential to become a person, to develop a valuable mind. They did not view the child as a person with value right now as they are. This is an important distinction that determines how you will approach education. 

“If we have not proved that a child is born a person with a mind as complete and beautiful as his little body, we can at least show that he always has all the mind he requires for these occasions; that is, that his mind is the instrument of his education, and that his education does not produce his mind.” -Charlotte Mason

The statement that children are born persons may seem obvious, but think about it : do you really believe that children are born persons? Take a close look at our societal norms and you will begin to see how adults truly view children: daycare, age-segregated schools, and separate adult workplaces (where children are not allowed). Think about the curriculum and books that have been created especially for children; they are so full of fluff and watered-down material that adults wouldn’t think of using for themselves. 

If you spend time with children and closely study them, you will notice that they want to engage in meaningful, serious projects; they want to learn real-life skills. In their play, children reenact events from their life or books they’ve read.  In reality, children are not so different from adults.

Lack of Experience, Not Intelligence

In her book, The Importance of Being Little, Erika Christakis writes convincingly of the truth that Charlotte Mason uncovered one hundred years before:

“Why should we settle for unimaginative goals (as we find in so many early education settings) like being able to identify triangles and squares, or recalling the names of colors and seasons? Recognizing visual symbols is something a dog can do. Surely we can aim higher than those picayune objectives and demand preschool classrooms based on a more advanced understanding of developmental processes, an understanding that is bounded only by the limits of a young child’s growing brain, not by a superintendent’s checklist of what needs to be covered before June rolls around.”

Think about it: if an adult asked you to teach them a subject they know nothing about, how would you teach them? What would you use? Would you use the same methods and materials created for children? Probably not. The language, graphics, and activities would offend an adult’s intelligence. A person, no matter what their age, learns line-upon-line, precept-upon-precept. If a person has no desire to learn a skill, they probably have not encountered a need for it in their life and require more life experience to see the value in gaining it. If a person has difficulty understanding a more advanced concept, it simply means they need more time to understand the previous stage. It’s a child’s experience that is incomplete, not their intellect. 

Some of the most successful books written about leadership are just as applicable to children as they are to adults. Poor teaching and parenting is based on bribery and punishment because the adults don’t understand basic principles of leadership. Christ was considered the master teacher and leader. To become like Christ, we need to truly believe that children are born persons with equal mental faculties as adults. 

Christ’s Three Directions

In the scriptures, Jesus gave only three directions on how to treat children:

  1. Despise not.” (Matthew 18:10) We despise children by having a low opinion of them. Notice how many adults ignore children when they speak or don’t take them seriously. We chastise and correct them in front of others as if they can feel no shame or embarrassment. We put value on who they can be someday, not in who they are right now. We despise them by not having high expectations for them; we don’t believe they are capable of intellectual thought. 
  2. Offend not.” (Matthew 18:6) When we dumb things down for children, read books to them that no adult would read, and organize activities for them that adults would consider a waste of time, we are offending a child’s intelligence. If an adult would find it offensive to their intelligence it is not fit for a child either. 
  3. “Forbid not.” (Matthew 19:14) How do we forbid children? They are not allowed in adult conversations, activities, or workplace. We forbid them from making mistakes and shield them from consequences. We forbid them from moving on to more advanced subjects or books because they must stay at their grade level. Young children may not have the attention span for advanced activities, but they have the intellectual capacity to understand in small doses and if presented in the right way.

“It is not only a child’s intellect but his heart that comes to us thoroughly furnished.” (Charlotte Mason) It is the child’s brain that is still developing, and it takes a long time: twenty-five years to be exact. This process cannot be rushed, no more than we can force our child to walk before they are physically ready. Treating children with respect while also being patient with them as their brain matures can be a difficult balance to achieve. Children are essentially a walking paradox: they are a mature spirit in an immature body. This truth is what makes teaching children so difficult. The solution is to see people as Christ sees them: free  from earthly constraints. (Brooke Snow podcast) We should look at our children and see their mature spirit as it really is: free from the constraints of a developing body, free from developmental disorders, free from the effects of the natural man (hunger, tiredness, overstimulation), free from impulses and behavioral issues. The only way to help our children reach their full potential is to see them as Christ sees them. 

Mothers, you may feel guilty because you are too busy with real life to prepare special activities for your children. But remember: children are born persons. You simply need to include them in your life and they will gain the desire and skills they need. Children may lack experience, but they do not lack intelligence. When you are planning lessons, remember you are teaching people, not lessons. 

“The person rises to understand, master, and enjoy whatever he is surrounded with in language, ideas, literature, and in appreciation of beauty. If you share with children the very best, carefully chosen to meet their needs, they will amaze everyone.” 

SUSAN SCHAEFFER MACAULAY

ADDITIONAL LEARNING

Ponder

Which of my children do I need to get to know better? What can I do to get to know them better?

How can I change my curriculum to meet the needs of my children and respect them as people?

How can I show my children that I am more interested in them than in completing a lesson?

Apply

Apply general leadership skills (See list below). 

Let your child live their own life and fulfill their own purposes, separate from your own. Do not make your children an extension of yourself.

Notice your child’s intellectual questions; desire to engage in  serious work; ability to gain meaningful skills.

Treat Your Child Like a Person

Basic Leadership Skills from How to Win Friends and Influence People

  • Show respect for your child’s opinions. Never tell them they are wrong. Instead, ask follow-up questions.
  • It’s best to avoid arguing with your child. Avoid reviling with your child ( explained in “Love” section)
  • If you are wrong and your child is right, admit it! 
  • Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing your child.
  • Begin any suggestions in a friendly way–with praise and honest appreciation.
  • Call attention to your child’s mistakes indirectly. Make statements that praise yet subtly suggest improvement. 
  • Let your child do a great deal of the talking.
  • Let a child feel that an idea is his.
  • Try to honestly see things from your child’s point of view.
  • Be sympathetic with your child’s ideas and desires.
  • Appeal to their nobler motives, and assume they had good intentions.
  • Make your ideas come alive! Make them appealing.
  • Throw down a challenge.
  • Ask questions instead of giving direct order — “What is the first thing we do when we get ready for bed?”
  • Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
  • Give your child a fine reputation to live up to.
  • Use encouragement. Make the thing you want your child to do seem easy. Start with small steps.
  • Make your child happy about doing the thing you suggest. Give them authority and responsibility. Find a way to make them excited to do it.
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TEN PRINCIPLES

TEN PRINCIPLES

OF EDUCATION

01

LOVE | Relationships are sacred, and love is the foundation of teaching and learning. When our children are attached, they will emulate our behavior and listen when we talk to them. A secure attachment encourages children to take risks and become independent. When children feel accepted as they are, they can rest in our love, and therefore play and grow.

02

CHILDREN ARE BORN PERSONS | Children are born with previous experience and spiritual maturity. They are not born “blank slate,” and they have tendencies for both good and evil because of the light of Christ and the natural man. Parents need to trust the natural process of development and maturation and respect children as people.

03

SELF-EDUCATION | Agency plays a necessary role in the Plan of Salvation, and therefore it it essential to learning and growth. The most important way that children exercise their agency is through play. The educational value of play cannot be overstated. We cannot force children to internalize and retain information. They learn what they need, when they need it, and the Holy Ghost plays a central role in that  process.

04

THE ROLE OF THE TEACHER | The Holy Ghost is the true teacher of all knowledge; the gospel, math, science, and the arts. As parents and teachers we cannot make a child remember and comprehend information we deem as important. So what are the parents’ responsibilities and how do we teach? Charlotte Mason said we have three tools at our disposal: atmosphere, discipline, and living ideas.

05

ATMOSPHERE | Children learn by watching others and engaging in meaningful experiences. Our children learn values and mature behavior by watching us, and practice those skills with people of all ages. Children learn best from real-life experiences, not from artificial environments that are specially prepared.

06

DISCIPLINE | We are constantly forming either good or bad habits in ourselves and our children.  We influence our child’s behavior by how we respond to it (conditioning). The idea of habits extends to more than just outward behavior; it encompasses how we think and respond to certain situations

07

LIVING IDEAS | Curiosity, imagination, and passion come from living ideas. Deep learning comes from interacting with great minds and ideas through high-quality books. Parents are in control of what is brought into their home and the experiences/things their children interact with. Rich, nourishing material is followed by ample amount of unscheduled time to digest and comprehend what was experienced. 

08

NARRATE | Real learning happens when children synthesize the information they learn. This happens by the child taking in ideas and information, digesting it, and telling back in their own words what they learned. This process is simple but powerful. True learning and comprehension happens when the brain is asked to synthesize information and tell back in a way that makes sense.

09

 QUESTION | A thought-provoking question is the epitome of the Savior’s way of teaching. A great question immediately opens the mind and ignites the learning process to discover truth. Not all questions are created equal, however. If it is not worded correctly or the intent is loaded, it can just as quickly shut down the thinking process. 

10

APPLY | What use is knowledge if we don’t know how to apply it? Children naturally experiment and apply their knowledge to new situations, from coloring to building with Legos. More than ever our children need to learn how to discover truth and patterns in all subjects, and then gain the wisdom to apply it in many different situations.

WONDERS simple
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LOVE: PART 2

PART 2

LOVE

Relationships are Sacred

In my first article about love, I discussed the importance of attachment and how nurturing the connection between you and your children is essential to teaching. For some of us, nurturing comes naturally. For others (like me) it is not innate and requires more intentional work. As parents and teachers, we can borrow a lesson from medical doctors by taking the Hippocratic oath: “Primum non nocere,” or “First, do no harm.” In other words, when we discipline children our priority should be to do no harm to the relationship. 

As I have studied the Savior’s methods of teaching, I have noticed that he does not chastise or revile; he prioritizes the person and the relationship first and foremost. As an example, let’s look at how the Savior reacts when the Pharisees brought him a woman caught in adultery (John 8). Jesus did not say to her “Well, you really screwed up” or “You knew what the consequences were when you made the choice.” He simply said, “Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?” She said, “No man, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.” He did not condemn her. He did not give her a long sermon about the law of chastity. 

When our children make the wrong choice we should not be the first person waiting to cast stones and condemn. We should be down at their level, looking them in the eyes and showing them our unconditional love, followed quickly by encouraging them to go and be a better person than they were before. There are laws and commandments that must be obeyed, but when those laws are broken we can come alongside our child in their guilt, shame, and sorrow and show that they are loved. They need to know that their worth is not tied to their choices, and that we have faith in their ability to be better.

Revile Not

Another relationship lesson we can learn from Christ is not to revile against our children. To revile is to criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner. This is the biggest challenge for me as a parent; For a long time, I had a child that would explode over what I felt were insignificant things. He would say that he hates me and that I’m “the stupidest mommy ever.” Even though I taught him correct behavior and showed an increase of love afterwards, he still continued to verbally abuse me. When all the behavioral techniques failed me, I became frustrated, gave up, and started to punish and revile against him. Not surprisingly, it did not solve the problem, it only made things worse than before. Only when I ignored the behavior and focused on him as a person did things start to improve. I put forth an even greater effort to strengthen our relationship and allowed him some grace as his immature brain is developing. I believe there is a misconception among parents that if our children, in their frustration and anger, say disrespectful things, it is our duty to fight back and punish them for it immediately. However, the Savior has given us an example to ignore the reviling, and Peter clearly states that we are to follow it: 

“For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example,that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:”
1 Peter 2:21-23

Connection Before Correction

When someone is angry and frustrated, they are not teachable. Likewise, it is pointless to argue, force apologies, or teach a moral when a child is emotionally upset. When we revile against our children we are actually robbing them of an opportunity to comprehend their mistake, feel remorse, and a desire to make amends. Many times they actually know what they are doing is wrong, but lack the reasoning capabilities to act on what they know to be right; the prefrontal cortex doesn’t start developing until around age eight.

Therefore, when we start to lecture and attempt to teach right at that moment, they will most likely justify their behavior, blame others, and make it less likely to feel remorse. If we want to be more Christ-like parents, we need to maintain a calm, loving countenance, even when our children are falling apart around us. I’ve found that in these moments, I just can’t say anything, otherwise I start rising to their emotions and everything falls into chaos. I simply get down at their level and try to think loving thoughts, and if they let me, I embrace them. At this point they usually break down and start crying.

Later, when a child has calmed down and feels connected, I say something like, “You were really upset with me earlier when you couldn’t have another cookie, and you said words that were not kind.” Sometimes they apologize on their own, and sometimes they just acknowledge that they were really upset. Either way, the relationship is intact and the child feels loved, despite making a mistake. I will usually take note of these incidences and center a family home evening lesson around it, like “speaking kind words” or “honoring parents.” In this way, I am ensuring that correct principles are taught, but at a time when the child is calm and ready to learn. I will discuss teaching and roleplay in a later article.

This kind of parenting is difficult. It goes against the natural man who wants to punish, seek revenge, and mend wounded pride. Some days I feel like I ran a marathon from all the energy I expend trying to maintain self-control. And although I still occasionally slip into previous bad habits, I have made great improvements by simply changing what I believe about what Christlike parenting looks like. I realized that a lot of my previous “parenting” was actually just me releasing steam. It wasn’t intentional, problem-solving, or loving. I parented based on what made me feel good after my feelings were hurt and my pride was wounded. We will all fall short of following Christ’s example perfectly, but I know from experience that the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Each moment that you choose to follow Christ and love your children is a small victory that helps motivate you to do it again.

As parents we were first commanded to love our children, and then teach them.  We were never commanded to judge our children’s actions and punish them accordingly. That responsibility is left to only one person: Jesus Christ. 

Nurture a Tender Heart

Why is reviling, condemnation, and punishment so damaging? The scriptures are full of examples of people with “hard hearts” that refuse to listen, and have lost empathy, compassion, and remorse. Although there are many variables that contribute to this attitude, I believe that the quality of close relationships play a large part in whether a person develops a hard heart. 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld concludes from his many years of counseling children and parents that hardened hearts come from peer attachment. When a child becomes oriented to their peers, they must protect their vulnerable hearts from the conditional love (or lack of love at all) of their peers. Children shield or harden their hearts, making them resistant to adult guidance, vulnerability, and an interest in things around them. You can read more about peer orientation in his book, Hold on to Your Kids

To maintain a tender heart, all people must encounter futility, which is acknowledging that we cannot change something. This means that parents need to have high expectations for our children; we need to set limits and maintain structure in our homes so children can encounter futility and develop self-regulation. However, this can backfire on us if we are not there to show an outpouring of love when our children realize their desires are futile. To feel deep disappointment is very vulnerable, even more so when they visibly show their feelings through tears. When we come alongside our child during their time of vulnerability and show them they are accepted and loved as they are, we are keeping their hearts soft. When children feel safe to show vulnerability they are more able to accept responsibility for their mistakes, ask questions, love deeply, and show an interest in learning.

In the scriptures, many words are used to describe people with hard hearts, such as: 

  • Offended
  • Contentious
  • Prideful
  • Angry
  • Resentful
  • Apathetic
  • Blaming
  • Indulging

The opposite of these words could be used to describe a soft, or tender, heart: 

  • Forgiving
  • Humble
  • Peacemaker
  • Happy
  • Empathetic
  • Responsible
  • Grateful
  • Curious/Interested

We want our children to maintain their tender hearts that are so characteristic of childhood, but how do we do it?

We need to maintain a delicate balance between expectations and love. In other words; imposing limits, setting high expectations, and letting our children shed tears and being there to comfort them when things don’t go their way. When we blame and resent our children we have a hard heart (read Leadership and Self-deception for a wonderful explanation of this). When we try to discipline with negative feelings we push our children into blaming and resenting us as well. Our feelings toward our children make all the difference when we talk to them.

As an example, when I’m feeling negative feelings toward my son I am actually excited when he asks for cookies after dinner because he has chosen not to eat dinner and I am justified when I get to tell him no. My tone is not kind and I see his tears as an annoyance and not as a person who is genuinely disappointed. Compare this to feeling charitable toward my son: I might say something like “I really want you to have a cookie, but you need to eat your dinner. Would you like me to help you finish? Or sit with you while you eat?” In both cases I am imposing a limit, but it’s how I’m imposing the limit that makes all the difference.

“Imposed sanctions, artificial consequences, and the withdrawal of privileges–are self-defeating. Punishment creates an adversarial relationship and incurs emotional hardening.” 

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Hold On to Your Kids

Crime and Punishment

Whenever a person loves someone or something, they open their hearts to become attached and love deeply, becoming vulnerable. Children are especially good at opening their hearts and loving completely. Popular discipline tactics recommended by professionals for many years involve taking advantage of this vulnerability; the most common are time-outs and grounding.

These may not seem like a terrible way to correct behavior, but the long-term result can actually be damaging. When a child is punished by being separated from a parent, despite the child seeking for connection, the child is hurt, feels rejected, and must find a way to cope with the pain. The result is indifference. If a child is grounded from riding his bike, playing soccer, etc. they learn to not feel so deeply for these things as a way to cope with the hurt and vulnerability, not to mention the resentment they feel for the parent that is choosing to take away these beloved items. The more a person is forced to feel indifference, the more hardened their heart and the less vulnerable they become. 

A tender heart is needed for a person to be teachable. Christ admonished us to become like little children for many reasons, but one reason is that they have tender hearts. They are willing to make mistakes, take chances, and ask questions, even if the questions seem silly. Our job is to maintain their tender hearts by validating their emotions, making our love unconditional, relying on natural consequences, and holding back condemnation. Maintaining a tender heart does not mean giving in to demands, it does not mean we dissolving rules that might cause frustration, and it certainly does not mean letting our children grow up in ignorance. What it does mean is that we change the way we think about our role as parents,and trust the maturation process. Most importantly, we need to trust our children to make the right choice when they have been taught correct principles, and give them the space to make mistakes. 

IN SUMMARY, if we want to effectively teach our children, we need to:

  1. Develop charity and see them as people.
  2. Nurture secure attachments in order to gain authority.
  3. Not use coercion, bribery, or punishment to force obedience.

So the question arises, how do we discipline our children? As usual, Charlotte Mason has the answer. She famously stated in her Twenty Principles of Education that: “We are limited to three educational instruments–
the atmosphere of environment, the discipline of habit,  and the presentation of living ideas.”

In other words, we teach our children by our example and by them making mistakes  through real-life experiences (atmosphere); by shaping the child’s behavior and habits (discipline); and by introducing “living ideas” by reading the scriptures and other high-quality books. These three principles will be discussed in-depth in the next few articles. 

 

Photography and artwork by Randi Gardner. You can find her on Instagram, at @blooming.pen